This article is part of a four‑part series that draws from insights in our forthcoming book, Exemplary, Strong Black Marriages & Families (Routledge, in press).

About 25 years ago, an LSU graduate class read Family Life in Black America, a nearly 400-page volume written by leading social scientists. Near the end of a class discussion, a Black student named Katrina Hopkins raised her hand and posed a piercing question: “Why is there not a single chapter in this book that talks about strong, marriage-based Black families like mine?” Katrina found no adequate response.

It has taken nearly 25 years, but the high-profile journal Marriage & Family Review recently dedicated an entire special issue to that topic. Nearly half of the pieces in this special issue are based on BYU’s American Families of Faith project, a 25-year study of the strengths and characteristics of a diverse group of highly religious spouses, with which the authors of this article are affiliated. Of the roughly 300 families in the American Families of Faith Project, 46 were Black. An emerging insight from the research was this: strong Black families were built on serving others. In this article, we share three insights on the service that contributes to strong Black marriages and families. 

Meeting Others’ Physical Needs

For the exemplary Black families we interviewed, service through physical care of others was central to the life and marriages these women and men had built together. 

Caring for the sick was one way of serving the physical needs of others. Jacquie, a Christian wife, described her husband’s physical care for her in reverent tones:

The most difficult thing was having my cancer diagnosis. And my husband … stepped up to the plate and took charge of me as I was going through my treatments and things—just made sure that my different needs were met… . [H]e took really good care of me.

Similarly, a mother named Keisha explained what her husband Wes’ care meant to her:

[Our] second child … was very difficult. I didn’t get any sleep, and she didn’t sleep through the night until she was one year old. And I wouldn’t have made it if it had not been for Wes, because he would get up in the middle of the night, he’d put her to sleep on his chest, and he’d bring her to me so I could nurse… . [He] was incredible. That was … one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through … and he was right there.

Interestingly, virtually every exemplary Black family we interviewed had housed at least one non-biological child for weeks, months, or years—providing for them out of their own resources. This was so common that we dubbed these welcomed youth temporary children. When asked how many children each family had housed over the years, one family said the number was so high that they did not know. 

Serving the physical needs of in-laws was another way Black families served. A Christian wife named Jada shared the following:

I brought [my husband] Jacob to my mother. She, my mother, loved him like he was her own son. [Years later] my mother ended up in a nursing home. We ended up taking care of my mother for some years, and he helped me to take care of my mother—just like she was his mother… . There was one night we had to put my mother in the bed between us, [to keep her safe]. She had Alzheimer’s [so bad at the end and would wander off]. Now what husband does that? (laughter) … He really stuck by me in every way. 

Later in their interview, Jada said of Jacob, “If you get a husband that’s like that, then I think you … you did good.” Jada and Jacob were both entering a second marriage when they were wed, and they each brought their own children with them. Of this challenge, Jada said:

Jacob treats my children just like they’re his, and I do the same… . [Then] my sister died some years later, and … we raised her three children. She had a set of twins, a girl and a boy; they [were only] three years old [at the time].

Jada and Jacob ultimately raised six children together. At one point, the time came when the children were the ones serving the parents. Jada explained:

I think we had a lovely life … until these days came here recently where Jacob was paralyzed for … about three months from the waist down… . But through all that … all those six children that we raised, those children came to pay bills, [took care of the] grass to be cut. They did [all of it], they … took care of us. 

Indeed, our participants repeatedly conveyed that service to one person often perpetuates additional acts of service. 

Theme 2: Service through Emotional Support

Our research showed that Black families also offered service through emotional service. A Baptist husband named Anthony said: 

When I shake your hand—and we are talkin’ [especially about] young Black men [and] men in general—I shake your hand and I look you dead in the eye and I … say, ‘How you doin’?’ … Sometimes it don’t even get to that point, … [I] get there and [they] say, ‘Ah man, can I give you a hug? … I needed what you said.’ … Anytime you [have] got a man cryin’, they [are] not cryin’ out of weakness, they [are] cryin’ cause the enemy has pulled them from where they are supposed to be at and … [they’re] like, ‘I need help.’

Anthony later explained, “It’s just that sometimes when you say stuff to people and you really mean it—consistently, it makes a difference in people’s lives.” Anthony’s approach applied to his local and faith communities, but the importance of emotional service was frequently focused on family. 

Phil, an African Methodist father, was effusive and passionate when he said,

When you see your kids, hug ’em. … One time in the course of every [single] day, I tell my kids, ‘I love you,’ give ‘em a big hug … hold ‘em, let them know I care. I let them know, ‘I love you not because it’s just the thing to say, but because I DO; and … God loves you too.’ So even when we do go through little life struggles, it’s okay, because someone who loves them is going to be there through the good and the bad. 

Gwen, a Christian wife, also had someone to love and serve her during her struggles. Years after the event, Gwen vividly recalled how her husband Kordell helped her through a difficult pregnancy and delivery:

Kordell was so attentive and … caring about how I felt. [And then] while I was in labor, which was about 26 hours … [He’d say,] ‘I’m concerned about you. How are you feeling? How’s it going?’ … and he’d hold my hand for contractions and stuff, and I’m squeezing his hand [so hard that] he never thought he’d play the piano again! (laughter) … I really saw his real love for me, for who I was—his wife, not just the producer of his kids—which really strengthened our marriage a lot, ‘cause I thought, ‘He really cares.’ Well, this man really does love me, oh my gosh! (laughter)

Serving and caring, however, do not originate in a vacuum. At a different point in their interview, Kordell spontaneously reflected on the power of Gwen’s example of service. 

One thing about her is she’s very much into … sowing into other people’s lives anonymously. ‘Cause, often times, she will buy things for people, know what they really like, send it to them anonymously, and they’ll never know it was her. She’s just totally into that… She’s very consistently [serving others in] that way. 

We see that emotional care was an elevating experience not only when done for a spouse, but when such service was lovingly (and perhaps anonymously) done for someone else. 

Even so, service is often costly and rarely convenient. This begs the question: Why give so much? 

Our third and final theme sheds light on this question.

Theme 3: Service to Others is “Living Faith”

The most prominent theme relating to serving others in the data was the influence of faith on service. A husband named Leonard explained: 

If I go out there and see a poor man down, [I shouldn’t] look down on him—[instead, I must] pick him up. I don’t [care] how he stink[s]—God said, ‘I love them all, they all are my children.’ So, I can’t pass nobody; [the] Savior don’t pass me by. When I pass by somebody that needs help, I’m passing God.

Another couple, DeShaun and Jamilla, shared how their beliefs affected their view of service:

Jamilla: We should be good stewards of our time and our finances, that we give back [because of] what He has given and done for us. It’s good stewardship. Some people call it a sacrifice to give your time and your money, but … that’s part of being a believer.

DeShaun: All those things are His, anyway… . The time is His. The money is His. We’re just stewards… . I think that’s what helps us through hard times—because no matter what we lose … it’s not ours. 

The concept of divine stewardship—similar to what some faith traditions call consecration—was echoed by Candice and Shandrel, a Baptist couple, who said of their time and money:

Candice: I give time, but I don’t think [it’s] really mine; I think it’s …

Shandrel: It’s not actually our time.

Candice: It’s not our time… . You need to give … time so that you can be a contributor, and in giving your time, you learn that … you [also] give your finances. 

Shandrel: And then you [come] to love what you do.

Candice: You love what you do, you become a good steward.

Like Jamilla and DeShaun, Candice and Shandrel referenced sacred religious beliefs that influenced how they served, gave, and viewed resources. In addition to sacred beliefs, participation with a religious congregation was frequently mentioned as participants described how their faith informed their service to others. For many, participating in the faith community reportedly provided both individual and collective experiences that centered around serving others. A non-denominational Christian wife named Briana said:

The congregation is very important, and [they]’re my spiritual family… . When you hurt, I hurt. … We are [our] brother’s keeper—servants to one another. And that’s what the Lord says: We are servants to one another.

Looking Outward Together

In a passage from the Holy Bible—a book that the faithful Black women and men we interviewed cherished and frequently quoted in their interviews—King David’s final recorded question to his people was this: “Who then is willing to consecrate his service this day unto the Lord?” (1 Chronicles 29:5). 

We learn from these remarkable women and men that perhaps the deepest marital love does not consist of merely gazing at each other, but, as Antoine de Saint-Exupéry observed, “in looking outward together in the same direction” with eyes fixed on lifting sisters and brothers in the broader human family. The exemplary Black families that opened their homes to us and taught us revealed that consecrated service is one of the key ingredients of the secret sauce of a championship-level marriage. May we all benefit from this revelation.

The post The Service Ethic Behind Strong Black Families appeared first on Public Square Magazine.