Colorful fiesta style invitations went out to the entire neighborhood… and to surrounding areas, and to the people in the apartment complex on the corner– where the turnover is so high almost no one knows their names–  and to the postman and UPS man, the cleaning lady and the crew who does yard clean up in the spring and fall.

On a gorgeous Saturday evening we all converged in their yard to eat tacos and churros and celebrate a darling girl who had chosen to sacrifice 18 months of her life to serve her Savior on a mission in Bolivia. Everyone was greeted with love, thanks and enthusiasm and departed with full bellies, new friends and a true sense of community. In my very insular, 70% Mormon neighborhood, it was the best fellowshipping event of the summer.

But are parties like that wrong?

*****

Amidst other counsel in a Regional Conference this past Sunday, Elder Ballard repeated the admonition to tone down mission farewells and homecomings. The next morning, all the mothers of the neighborhood buzzed with the question, “Exactly what does he mean?”

One of my friends said, “I’m an obedient soul, so it doesn’t bother me at all.”

I replied, “I’m an obedient soul too! That’s why I want to understand.”

True understanding comes through personal revelation– we’re not commanded in all things– but I think it might be useful to have a discussion here to understand the counsel. Because I’m in the middle of my third son’s mission (and looking at sending out my fourth moments after the third arrives home), this is an emotional subject for me. Maybe too emotional for me to write about publicly.

Since we aren’t all in the same region, let’s go back to President Hinckley’s original counsel given in the October 2002 General Conference Priesthood Session:

The First Presidency and the Twelve, after most prayerful and careful consideration, have reached the decision that the present program of missionary farewells should be modified.

The departing missionary will be given opportunity to speak in a sacrament meeting for 15 or 20 minutes. But parents and siblings will not be invited to do so. There might be two or more departing missionaries who speak in the same service. The meeting will be entirely in the hands of the bishop and will not be arranged by the family. There will not be special music or anything of that kind.

We know this will be a great disappointment to many families. Mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, and friends have participated in the past. We ask that you accept this decision. Where a farewell has already been arranged, it may go forward. But none in the traditional sense should be planned for the future. We are convinced that when all aspects of the situation are considered, this is a wise decision. Please accept it, my dear brethren. I extend this plea also to the sisters, particularly the mothers.

We hope also that holding elaborate open houses after the sacrament meeting at which the missionary speaks will not prevail. Members of the family may wish to get together. We have no objection to this. However, we ask that there be no public reception to which large numbers are invited.

Missionary service is such a wonderful experience that it brings with it its own generous reward. And when a missionary returns to his family and his ward, he may again be given opportunity to speak in a sacrament meeting.

From my vantage point, the sacrament meeting portion of the counsel has been followed without any grumbling. The old farewells where younger siblings told embarrassing stories, parents cried and friends serenaded missionaries with “In the Hollow of Thy Hand” have receded into the past. I’ve seen some where a sibling gives the youth talk or another family member provides the musical number, but in general, that portion of the counsel has been easy to follow. I think we all sensed the irreverence of a sacrament meeting roast and welcomed the more spiritual send-offs we’re seeing today.

But debate still surrounds the “elaborate open houses” “public receptions” and “get togethers.” What’s acceptable? What is not? Are the Saturday night parties OK? What about a gathering after church where no invites are sent, but people just arrive? And for people like me with very few relatives (another sensitive spot), may I invite my friends who are like family?

Sending off a child for 18-24 months, with only three or four phones calls for the duration is a BIG DEAL. A very big deal. It’s not like any other calling in the church for the very simple fact that we have limited communication with missionaries. I miss my son every single day. I missed all of my sons on their missions and the thought of sending out another one (and then another and another) makes my chest tight and my eyes all watery.

At my house, we’ve held Sunday gatherings after the sacrament meeting. It was the established pattern in our area and for our friends coming from afar, seemed to make sense. Our friends came from near and far to wrap their arms around our family and offer advice and support. I live in an area where everyone but my little household has roots stretching back to the pioneers and I’ve always felt a great lack of family. Those three farewell and two homecomings were five of the happiest days of my life– there’s been no other time when I felt so loved by my friends and ward members, no other time where I felt such belonging in this church.

I do think a Saturday night gathering with friends would be equally joyous. But with this reminder from Elder Ballard, is that taboo too?

My neighbor’s party with the tacos and churros– while certainly more elaborate than most farewells– felt completely appropriate and like a gift to the neighborhood. I don’t think anyone felt like they needed to create an equally large gathering for their own departing/returning missionary.

Another friend told me of a recent farewell in her ward. A young convert was leaving on a mission and since he had no family, the ward hosted a gathering for him. “We all felt like we’d contributed to getting him on a mission,” my friend send, “there was no way we could NOT celebrate with him.”

I think I have a Jewish heart. I love ritual and ceremony and really anything that eases the  pain of all this parting we do in life. In some ways, missionary farewells/homecomings make me think of the brother of the prodigal son. Maybe he wouldn’t have felt so jealous if someone had thrown him a party? I’m a huge believer in celebrating the good.

My son tells me I’m misinterpreting the counsel to scale back– that it’s really directed to people hiring caterers and sending out embossed invitations. But I don’t know… my simple supper is someone else’s elaborate feast.

Obviously, this isn’t something that can be decided by committee. But maybe we can lend each other insight. I haven’t even touched on the whole ‘farewell hopping’ subject, but this is already too long. And now that I’ve typed it all out, I’m not sure if I want to reveal my feelings to the meanies of the internet. So be nice, remember we’re walking on sensitive ground, but please share your thoughts.


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