Making friends at midlife seems to be more challenging than making friends when I was younger.  My perception might be skewed.  Maybe it’s always a challenge.

Many women at midlife are busy with full-time or part-time work as well as with volunteering work.  If they have children, they are busy launching them and perhaps caring for grandchildren as time allows. If they have husbands, they are supporting them. If their parents are still living, they are supporting their parents.

[Photo credit: Bekassine via Creative Commons, https://flic.kr/p/69SoD6]

Women at midlife have many long-term friendships, spanning decades.  These established friendships need maintenance. Why would they take the time and effort to form new friendships when most women feel spread too thin already? And I moved during the summer when many midlife women are traveling to visit their adult children and grandchildren.

Maybe making friends was challenging when I was a teen, a young adult, and a new parent?  Am I overstating the life stage constraints?

I moved to Indiana seven weeks ago. In that time, I’ve been reaching out to women in the neighborhood, to women at the university where my husband works and to women who attend my church.  I’m very outgoing and willing to take risks by starting conversations with people. I’m also open to being friends with people of all ages and interests. In Kansas, I had friends ranging from 4 to 104.  Granted, I had eight years to develop those friendships.

I’m probably trying to create an instant community: add water and mix. Voila! It’s not that easy.  I should remember this.  Over my 54 years of life, I’ve moved on average every six years.  These things take time. But if the pattern hold true, I only have six years to enjoy these friendships, so I can’t sit at home and sulk about the challenge.

So far, my suggestions about getting together with people to socialize are falling flat.  That all-purpose “I’m busy” is damning my efforts.  We all know that “I’m busy” when offered as a retort to any commitment really means “I have other priorities.”  I use “I’m busy” as “I have other priorities” myself.

I have been focusing on reaching out to women who moved to town this summer, too.  Maybe that’s the problem.  Being “new together” might not be a good enough foundation.  I keep making dramatic statements in my head: “That’s it. I’m done.  I’m retreating. I’m detaching socially!” But my gregarious nature keeps pushing me to pick myself up, dust myself off, and extend myself to others—even if the percentage of successful connection is in the single digits.

I probably just need to be patient and let relationships form over time.  In the meantime, this gives me an opportunity to think extensively about friendships.

How have your most meaningful friendships formed? Common interests? Similar ages? Kids the same ages? Husbands in the same vocation? Working together in paid work or volunteer work? Living near each other?  Mutual friendships?  Serendipity? And how long has this taken? Weeks, months…years?