All-too-appropriate screenshot of the Pantene commercial that was made private on their channel. Even Google is “sorry about that.”

I need to refine my vocabulary — the internet tells me so.  When you’re female and human, the world has a lot to say on what you should do, say, or become. Speech patterns are one of the fascinating, yet slightly infuriating pieces of advice ripe for the picking. According to the New York Times, Amy Schumer, and Pantene, I need to stop saying “sorry.” This counsel hit home for me — I’m prone to apologize, and the word piles up like filler in my everyday speech. I became more conscious of how often I was using “sorry” and how it worked its way into almost every conversation. However, time rolled on and I didn’t think much about it beyond a few mental checks when it happened to cross my mind.

A week ago the topic flared up as I read through the Marriage and Family Relations participant study guide with my husband. We were reading through Lesson 5 (“Responding to Challenges Through Positive Communication”) when I read this heart-felt, yet utterly frustrating passage:

Be quick to say, “I’m sorry.” As hard as it is to form the words, be swift to say, “I apologize, and please forgive me,” even though you are not the one who is totally at fault.

At this point, I feel like I can’t win. I’m told to apologize less by one source, yet be quick to apologize by another. Caught in the middle of a paradox, I feel strung between two opposing opinions and, no matter which way I step, I’m wrong. I realize that these are two potentially different applications: women should avoid saying “sorry” in professional settings, yet quickly apologize in marriage where compromise is key to lasting happiness. This seems disingenuous, though. Why curb language in one setting, yet encourage it in another? The more I thought about it, the more it gnawed at me. I agree that words should have meaning and that I should not apologize for my existence, but I wonder why, in an age of female-empowerment, I have to be the one to change. Am I less-than by using this common courtesy word? Will I mean more to others when I shed myself of verbal baggage? I’m already trying to get rid of “just” and “actually.” At some point I have to accept that, for good or ill, my manner of speech is enough.

I’ve worked in offices where colorful language is the norm, where explicit jokes are shared with welcome smirks and unashamed laughter. I do my best to speak with tact and curb backhanded compliments (it’s really hard some days). I’m constantly trying to be a better, kinder person whose language reflects her values.

If “sorry” is the worst of my offenses, so be it.

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Do you avoid certain words? Is “sorry” a word to be avoided, embraced, or ignored? Is it okay to admit to watching Amy Schumer on Segullah?