Birthday party season is in full swing where we live. If you dial back the calendar apparently many of us parents found ways to stay warm in the middle of January (that lead to us become parents to fall babies). I know a thing or two about the process: I have two fall babies. And they both have friends with parents that made fall babies too. And it seems they’re all having a party.

It’s not just any party, like the ones I remember from my childhood, where we would show up, play pin the tail on the donkey, have a sleepover, or maybe roller skate at the rink if it was a fancy party. Now watching my own children attend birthday parties my understanding of a fancy party has been radically altered. People, the gauntlet has been thrown down. Fancy parties of the past are the norm today.

There was a party at a cake decorating shop, with the kids decorating dolphin cookies to be mounted on miniature cakes to be decorated to look like the beach. With chocolate rocks. And edible silvery something. Miniature cake boxes to wrap all the beach scenes confections in. A balloon at every chair! A professionally made dolphin cake! Faux petit fours made of cookies and icing! Platters and bowls of snacks, for the kids and for the adults. Juice pouches! Cheeses! Sparkling beverages! An array of decorated goodie bags assembled standing at attention, their bellies filled with more pearlized chocolates, foil covered gold coins, fruit leather, and glow-in-the dark necklaces and all color coordinated to the bags, the balloons and the little dolphin diorama cakes!

It was a lot.

I’ve been to others where bottles of wine were given out to the adults. It was a children’s birthday party. What is that? The giving of adult beverages to the adults at the kids’ party leads me to believe that maybe, just maybe this party isn’t just about the kids.

Don’t get me started on the present policy. I’m so confused. Invitations now read “No need to bring a present.” It’s a quagmire. We all realize our kids really don’t need additional presents from all the friends at the party, but we write it on the invite fully knowing it won’t be entirely adhered too. So, as a present-buying parent I’m stuck trying to figure out how to get a present that I don’t really need to bring, but maybe ought to bring anyway? Where do you buy that and what is it? Maybe a simpler gift? On several occasions I’ve guessed that this was code for a paperback book with gum tied on the top. Yet, in the moment, at those no-need-to-bring-a-present parties I’ve seen adults direct kids to each grab their present, and line up to present it to the birthday child. What about all the kids’ parents that actually followed the directions?

My sister-in-law went to a baby shower like that. I went to a birthday dinner with friends. It was just supposed to be a girls’ night. No gifts. But then they went around opening them. At least those who brought something. Awkward. It’s a squirmy feeling to feel like you’ve missed the social graces somehow, and shown up with your hands empty because you were told to and you did and then it wasn’t what everyone else did. Why do you have to feel bad? Should you even?

Between all the color-coordinated, individually-wrapped, pearlized chocolates for the gift bags, and curious gifting culture, and curse you Pinterest! for promising it will be easy and making us think every occasion should be an occasion, attending and hosting a party is not just fancy business, it’s complicated.  There’s a reason I don’t host a birthday party for my kids every year. (Plus, I love casual family parties on the off years.)  I’m thrilled when other parents do the same. Don’t get me wrong, I like parties. I love getting together with friends and fancy dip and occasions to eat good cake. I even like to decorate. But it feels like the threshold gets higher all the time.

Who can keep up? I never understood Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties before, but now I think I’m beginning to. You just show up and pay up. What was once a fancy party, now looks like the easy way out. But we don’t have one in our little town and there’s a singing rat and bad pizza involved, and I’m scared of both, so I’d probably pass on it anyway.

So back to those two fall babies I had. It’s birthday party “on” year (even years are “off”). And I couldn’t get over myself to just order cheap pizza for the kids and offer the party of my childhood. There will be balloons and streamers. And games. And homemade cake up to my own goofy standards of excellence. It’s for my kids, but maybe the cake standards or the really good dip is just a little bit for me? At least I’m being honest.

And yeah, I wrote “Please, no need to bring a gift.” on the invitation. We won’t be opening any during the party, since I really do mean it.  And because I don’t do goody bags anymore.

Do you do over the top birthday parties for your kids? Or is your specialty keeping it simple while keeping it special? Or what’s the wildest one you’ve been to?