This post, which was originally posted by Heather in March 2007, gets at the heart of charity. Have you ever experienced this gift? Share your experiences in the comments below.

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My husband invited a couple we know and their two kids to come home to Utah with us for Christmas.  He didn’t ask me first.  As you can imagine, this caused some tension.   But that will have to be a story for another day.  I have forgiven him and he will never do it again!!!

Let me give you some background.  The people he invited are our friends.  (More specifically, my friends.  He is friendly with them, but is mostly too busy to really be their friends.)  I met the wife of this invited couple at the playground last year.  We hit it off, enjoyed talking, planned outings for our four kids (two each) that we actually followed through with, did some catering jobs together, swapped babysitting, and became fast friends. She started coming to enrichment activities and playgroup with a bunch of other moms from the ward.  We had great discussions about parenting, marriage relationships, and the gospel.  She met with the missionaries a couple of times, started praying regularly, said she’d read the Book of Mormon.  I had several experiences where I felt the spirit confirm that we had been led into each other’s lives for a great purpose, something beyond a convenient babysitting swap.  It was a good thing I’d had these experiences because as we grew closer and shared more of ourselves I came to find that beautiful and awesome as my friend is, she has some issues that are hard for me to deal with.  I didn’t shirk from them, but I have called for my Father in Heaven’s help more than once.  I’m not trying to put myself on a pedestal; I’m sure my issues are difficult for others to deal with as well.  But somewhere along the way it changed from an easy, fun friendship into one that required a lot of work.  I was becoming close friends with someone totally different than me, someone with a different world- view, different family background, different set of beliefs, and it was a challenge.  There were times that because of the different ways which we operate in a relationship I had to stick up for myself in a way I had never had to before.  When other close friends saw how this was happening they asked why I would continue to be friends with her.  And I felt calm and peaceful with the answer I gave, “I’m just learning how to have a relationship with someone completely different than me.  Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it.”

That calm peacefulness disappeared after I found out what happened at a dinner party I had to miss because it didn’t sound fun to bring my two little kids to a nice restaurant, and I hadn’t been able to find a babysitter.  That night they started a new discussion.  One I wasn’t part of.  It was about Utah, the mountains, skiing, how awesome my family is, how fun it would be if they all came to Utah to spend Christmas with us.  “Great idea!”  They all thought.  As soon as Matt told me, I went into the bathroom and cried.  Sure I don’t mind having to work at a friendship and I have faith and hope that it will bring great rewards, but that doesn’t mean I want to work at it during my rare, and to me ”“sacred– family time at Christmas!  Aaargh!  I didn’t know if I had it in me to disinvite them, but I had an equal amount of fear about asking my mom if it was okay with her.

To her credit, my friend asked me what I thought about Matt’s invitation before they went and bought plane tickets and, I am proud to say, I was relatively honest with her.  I didn’t pretend it would be fabulous.  I told her that Christmas is a busy time, we have tons of family obligations, they aren’t unwelcome, but they may be on their own quite a bit, unless they want to participate in the family functions.  I told her it might be more fun to visit during the summer when we could go camping and I’d have time to just show her around in the nice weather.  I told her I needed to check with my mom to see if there’d be a place to stay.  She listened, went home and asked her husband, who had enthusiastically accepted Matt’s invitation at face value and was searching the web for cheap flights.  I’m going to stop giving you the blow-by-blow now and just tell you that they decided to come and my mom said we could make it work.  However, it got to be more and more complex as her husband invited his brother’s family and they decided to find a place to stay with him and then someone offered a free place and they accepted and the dates kept changing and it got to be a royal planning mess with dozens of people bending over backwards during the holidays to make room for these people who are friends of mine.  My anxiety grew; my husband and I argued; my mom worried; my friend stressed; my husband strove to make amends; by the time Christmas came we were all s-p-e-n-t!

Even in hindsight it’s hard for me to make sense of what happened next.  The free place came with strings, as most free things do, and the girls who had willingly offered their house to begin with were now behaving in a way that made my friends feel quite unwelcome.  The problem was, it was too late to make something else happen, and even the things we tried to arrange at the last minute didn’t seem to be good enough for this couple.  Suddenly they changed from being easy-going and excited to just come along for the ride to demanding and ungrateful.  I was hurt by this, sure, but more than anything I was frustrated!  Now, I’m not the kind of girl who just gets mad about stuff.  But seeing so many people I love try to help out because they love me and then have them treated badly, it was just too much.  So one day during our vacation when she called to complain about her lodging situation, I gave her “what for”.  I didn’t try to demean her, but I just told her how her behavior honestly made me feel.  Apparently this was too much for her as well.  She began to yell at me and I couldn’t take it, so I just hung up knowing that we could work it out later, preferably face to face.

The next morning she called.  I was ready to apologize and really figure out what we could do next.  I was also ready to accept an apology.  But to my utter shock she said, “We bought plane tickets and we’re going back to New York today.  Tell your mom I say thanks.”  They left five days early.

“Okay,” was all I could muster.  My family was relieved.  I felt relieved as well, but confused.  It seemed so childish to not communicate and figure things out.  It made me uncomfortable thinking about what would happen next.  Clearly she was mad at me, and though I had shared some feelings about my unhappiness with her behavior I couldn’t think what I had done wrong that would warrant such anger.

I finished out my trip and returned to New York, unsure of how we could patch things up.  At first I didn’t know that I wanted to.  I felt justified in being hurt and reciprocating anger.  After all, she had done plenty wrong.  However after being home a few days, this grew tiresome.  I began planning how I would approach my friend and thinking what I really needed to say.  I prayed that I wouldn’t be defensive, no matter how she behaved.  I prayed to be filled with his love. (Moroni 7:48).  I received an email from her asking for some things back she had left at my place.  She wrote that I shouldn’t call and that she would send her nephew to pick them up.  My heart swelled and felt as if it would choke me as I gathered up everything of hers I could find, buckled my baby into the stroller and bundled my three year old.  I was not going to let it be like this.  I marched right over to her apartment, praying all the way.  When I arrived she opened the door, just wide enough to see us and stuck out her hand to take the bag I had brought.  Her pinched expression told me she was not over her anger, in the least.  I kept the bag and watched my daughter anxiously waiting for the door to open wide enough so she could enter and find her daughter so they could play.   When she didn’t budge I asked, “Really?  This is how you’re going to be?  You’re not going to talk to me or let Margaret in to play? Really?”

“I just figured we’ve fought enough.  I’d rather be done with it.”

“No, actually we haven’t.  We’ve only fought once, and that was more of a disagreement than a fight.  Just let me in so we can talk.”

She shrugged her shoulders and the crack in the door widened.  My daughter skipped past, undressing as she called out her friend’s name.  I let my baby down from the stroller, took off my coat and planted myself at the kitchen table.  What ensued is one of the most simultaneously difficult and beautiful conversations I have had in my life. I don’t remember exactly what was said; I just remember it had to do with expressing sorrow for any pain and misunderstanding, love for all that she is, and hope that she wouldn’t turn away my friendship, for I certainly wanted hers. I knew it was His love I felt washing through me, like a continuous circuit of clean, warm air.  The tears flowed freely and I had an assurance that no matter what she decided or how she chose to respond, the Lord had answered my prayer.  He had steered me away from the “natural man” within, the part that could justify cutting all ties to someone who would be dismissive of our friendship.  Instead He granted me a gift from heaven and filled me with His love.  Because of this, because of Him, we were able to end that conversation in a warm embrace.  We have forgiven and not forgotten that as we strive to love one another we are not only acting like Him, but becoming like Him.

Read Emily Halverson’s article “Charity Unmustered”.  I wrote this post because of the insights I was able to pinpoint due to her beautiful study and exploration of charity.
”¢    What aspect of charity stands out to you in this article?
”¢    How can we become charity, and not just muster it up?  What helps you?
”¢    Have you had a time that the Lord literally filled you with His love?


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