1clbp946kfzfr Kristin Goodwin is a mother of four on the East Coast. Among other things, she thrives on reading, cooking interesting meals, spending time in the outdoors, and playing her flute. She’s learning to accept her messy house and chaotic life with a sense of gratitude rather than resentment, as she realizes that it reflects what she treasures most after all. 

A long time ago, when I had just two little ones, a picnic-table conversation with friends veered to the question, What clues signal to you that someone has plenty of money? Everyone laughed at my response, which was curtains and zip-top baggies; but having been long-time poor students, my husband and I almost never used anything but fold-tops or even repurposed bread bags. Seeing a mom sit down with a whole bunch of food items in their own zippered pouches made me assume they must be dang well-off.

For some reason I’ve hung onto that mentality of scarcity a long while. Items that friends take for granted still feel like huge splurges for us, as we remain resistant to consumerism large and small. I must admit that deep down, I presume that a person who expends effort to be trendy in some way must not be thinking clearly about their values; they must be caught in a trap of fleeting, unimportant things that get in the way of the ‘real stuff’. I even initially discount someone if they seem too stylish or popular.

Luckily, I’m learning; and of course, I’ve come a long way myself in terms of belongings — I now own both curtains and Ziplocs, in moderate quantities. But, I was humbled when I found out that a dear friend of mine lives off of far less than I might have guessed based on my usual external cues. I saw a few of her luxuries and was envious, without thinking more deeply about the other ways she conserved her family’s resources, often in quite creative ways. When we talked openly about it, though, I was surprised to see that my lingering jealousy had been misplaced. I was grateful that she was a devoted enough friend to respond to my feelings and to let me see the whole picture. All along, she’s been setting an example in the way she uses her personal priorities and gifts not only to increase her own family’s comfort, but also to give unselfish service.

Add to that discovery the fact that now we’ve been in a job and a house for over seven years, in an undeniably ‘real’ American life of mowing our lawn and being actual grown-ups, and I think it is time: time for me to let go of my attitude and not to act put-upon that other people choose to afford certain things. It’s time for me to be a good sport.

A humorous friend described my husband and I as ‘obviously wealthy but pretending not to be’, which I thought perhaps wasn’t too far off. Accordingly, I want to acknowledge that maybe it was my decision not to send my daughters to ballet lessons, not just poverty stopping me (which was always my excuse). While income continues to be a real constraint, it’s not the quantity that determines my use of it, but my underlying values and prejudices. I’m trying to work on my confidence, to stop apologizing and feeling awkward about the costs I choose not to pay; I’m getting a little better at believing that someone will appreciate what my true self can offer.

Of course, now that I’m in a pretty solidly middle-class peer group, I interact with a lot of ladies who first gave me an impression of off-puttingly worldly standards. As I soften my heart, however, the Spirit is ready to teach and lead me. One example is a mom who is passionate about fashion, and whose daughter once mocked my own daughter’s clothing at church. When I first met her, she was so confidently put-together that she scared me. Over the years, though, I’ve watched as she chooses to have a large family, far beyond fashionability, and to give her kids all kinds of freedom to get dirty, daring, and messy in those chic duds. More personally, I appreciate the tangible effect she has had on my son over the years, first as his Cub Scout leader and now as his seminary teacher.

There is also the woman with pink hair who at one point threatened to ‘throw down’ with me, but who is now a stalwart ally and one of the great motivators of my middle daughter. There is the staunchly child-free-by-choice friend who shares her incredible homemade desserts, and whose good taste in literature I appreciate in our book club. There’s the amazing woman who will offer child care, food, or service at the drop of a hat — though her house is a mansion, she shares so sincerely that you never feel uncomfortable about a status difference.

I’m gradually, if awkwardly, figuring out how to live in this real world, how to balance my family’s expectations with those of the community and culture we live in. I’m practicing more cheerful compromise — not with secular norms necessarily, but with the actual, vibrant individuals around me. Each one has their own vital set of choices, talents, and opportunities to offer.

So, I would like to square with my awesome, dedicated, valiant sisters who have ever been skiing, or had a pedicure, or owned an excess of Ziploc bags. I’ll bring you a hand-sewn holiday pillowcase full of homemade granola to make up for my prior prejudice, and we’ll hang out for a while.


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