In a post a couple of years ago, I talked about my parenting works cited page: the books I read as a first time mother for each stage along the way. I’ve found myself grappling with some serious parenting challenges over the last couple of years: wrangling a toddler and a preschooler while figuring out how to handle ADHD and ODD in one of my older children.

ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) often presents itself with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). What this means is that a child who has a hard time staying focused is also wired to resist authority and rules. Things have gotten steadily better over the last year, and part of it is that I’ve done a lot of research and implemented the parts that worked for me. The other part of it is therapy, and the last part is medication. All three of those components are necessary–I wouldn’t do the medication alone without therapy and parental research, but I also saw the most dramatic results with my parenting techniques when we combined them with medication.

For a long time I kept hoping that there would be just one magic book that helped me know everything and fix all of our challenges. I tend to latch on to authority figures–if someone wrote a book about it, I figure, they must know more than me, so part of me wants to do everything they say. It’s the opposite of oppositional defiance–an unhealthy tendency to defer.

But the truth is that there is no one book written for my family. I write the book. There are works that have helped me, though, and if there’s someone out there who is wrestling with ADHD/ODD, this post is for you.

Book 1: The Nurtured Heart Approach, by Howard Glasser. More than anything else, this book helped me understand how my child thinks. Life, for them, is like a giant video game, in which attention from adults is the prize. But it’s the absolute value of attention, meaning that negative attention gives them a kind of buzz just like positive attention does. And negative attention is so much easier to come by. So if it seems like your ADHD child is deliberately pushing your buttons, that’s because they are. That negative energy is what they’re seeking. You counteract that with a completely neutral, unemotional way of giving consequences–no irritation, no negative energy, never yelling ever–and with abundant, specific, concrete praise.

This was life-changing for my parenting. I am much more positive now–one therapist told us that for every negative interaction I had with my child, we needed four positives, and I have found that to be true. I am constantly looking for good things, and when my child goes into melt-down mode, my automatic response is often (not always) to take a deep breath and deliberately calm myself. I know how to keep things from escalating like they used to.

Book 2: The Defiant Child: A Parent’s Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder, by Douglas A. Riley. –In many ways this is the polar opposite of The Nurtured Heart. The Nurtured Heart approach prefers that all consequences be brief time outs, and that your time not spent in time out be so full of positive, rich interaction that eventually time outs will go away. This did not happen for me. I’m sure I didn’t apply the book perfectly, but I have four other children, and I did my best (one of our therapists said that most parenting books are not written for larger families, and they assume you have more resources than you actually do). But time outs alone did not work, and as I read this book and recognized oppositional defiant characteristics in my child, I came to understand the need for real consequences so that my child could believe in my authority. I needed to give my child consequences, administered in a neutral and non-emotional, non-escalating way, that they really, really did not like. So I did. It was hard, but I’ve seen a dramatic improvement in the behaviors we struggled with. I don’t think Nurtured Heart alone could have done this.

Book 3: Parenting Children with ADHD: 10 Lessons that Medicine Cannot Teach, by Vincent J. Monastra.–this is a great general reference and resource guide for ADHD. It goes over the science of ADHD, and how the ADHD brain works differently. I was grateful to read that. Sometimes I think it’s all in my head, or my parenting, or stuff I have done. It’s true there are things I can do to be a better parent, but it’s also essential for me to realize that my child’s challenges are not all my fault. The book is not anti-medication, just pro-understanding the science of it, and pro-parenting.

These are my top three books for addressing my current parenting challenges. But every book I read adds another tool to my parenting skill set. I’m seeing more light in my family, and I feel more able to take joy in my child’s unique and engaging personality.

I’m most grateful for Book 4: The Book of Mormon, which is a great parenting resource. There’s Lehi, working away to teach his family until the very end of his life. Alma the Younger counseling Corianton. And Mormon writing to his son: “My son, be faithful in Christ, and may not the things I have written weigh thee down, but may Christ lift thee up.”

To any of my sisters who struggle with their kids, those are my words: May Christ lift thee up.


Continue reading at the original source →