“IF it happens. Not when.”

Have you ever been confronted by this? The inevitable reality check, unsolicited yet given freely by those who often have your best interests at heart. I’ll admit: I’m as guilty as the worst offender. Some unsuspecting individual, often with innocent intentions, says something along the lines of, “when I get the job,” or, “when I move out of state,” or, “when I get married,” and I feel obliged to interject, “you mean IF. IF you get the job/move/get married.” I shut them down or, at the very least, trip them up long enough to throw off their meaning and underwhelm what they were trying to say. I commend myself for keeping them practical, helping them understand that you shouldn’t assume and that no one has guarantees. However, I don’t realize the damage I can impart.

In case you couldn’t tell from my post last month, I’ve had family planning on the brain. This was exacerbated by a visit with my three month-old niece earlier this month, who charmed me with her chubby cheeks, warmth, and baby burps. During an evening conversation, I was holding her and trying to settle her stomach after a meal. I made an off-hand comment about “when I have kids,” and no sooner than the words had left my mouth, one of my siblings chimed in with, “IF, Christie. You don’t even know if you can have kids yet.” And I couldn’t disagree; I don’t know whether I can have children or not. A number of both my immediate and extended family members have had fertility issues, and I may soon be added to the count. My family planning is just that right now: planning. And in the planning I make assumptions. My sibling was completely valid in the assessment and I know no ill will was intended when giving it. However, the comment caught me off guard and sucked the air out of me. The conversation continued, but I disengaged.

After considering my experience, I discussed the if/when issue with my husband. He quickly responded, “Now you know how I feel!” I cringed at the truth of his comment. My husband is an eternal optimist, and in my endeavors to be realistic with him, I pick apart his dreams and wishful assumptions until there’s nothing left. Of course, I have never meant harm by it, but intentions mean little when you’ve been repeatedly shut down. I apologized and he assured me it was fine, that he understood where I was coming from when I corrected his “when(s)” with “if(s).” I still stewed over the realization, wondering how many other people I had damaged or deflated in my quest for realism.

As a pragmatist, I know I won’t change overnight, and should I eventually change, it might not be a complete overhaul. I also qualify this with the understanding that sometimes people do need to hear cold hard truth, and that blind optimism can be damaging if left unchecked. However, I find it hard to believe that every assumption needs to be clarified as such. So I’m resolving to be a bit more accommodating these days. Before cutting off someone else’s speculations, I’m trying to take a breath as ask myself whether they really need to hear my assessment on the feasibility of their claim. For now, I will do better when the if/when issues arises (because it really isn’t a matter of “if” it happens again). Choosing how I’ll react is one future I can control.

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When speculating about the future, do you pick “if” or “when?” When others say “when,” do you counter?