A few weeks ago, I stepped onto a college campus as a student for the first time since I finished my master’s degree 16 years ago.  I remembered the day my parents dropped me off at BYU as a freshman almost 25 years ago, and felt the same mixed feelings of excitement and terror.  This time, my first foray onto campus left me feeling simultaneously like a novice freshman and a seasoned adult.

Freshman me:  “Where are my classes?”  “How much am I going to have to pay for these books?”  “Do I REALLY need all these textbooks?”  “Oooh!  Cool pens!”

Adult me (seeing all the tables for campus clubs and organizations set up all over campus):  “Oh, I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about finding a social group or a boyfriend.”  “I wonder how my kids are doing at school today?”   “Did Z remember his homework?”

Freshman me:  “I am never going to learn this stuff.”  “Am I in the right class?  None of this makes sense to me.”  “Oh my…so much reading!”  “Wait, I minored in statistics…why does this all look like Greek?”

Adult me:  “Why is everyone riding skateboards?”  “Is that what passes for hip clothing today?”  “My gosh, these kids look so young…”  “Do I look cool or just like a mom who is trying too hard?”

Freshman me:  “Am I going to make friends in any of my classes?”  “What if my teachers don’t like me?”  “Why hasn’t the TA graded that quiz yet?”

I walk into the class I’m teaching as part of my doctoral program, and all my anxiety and self-doubt melted away.  I was funny!  I was self-confident!  I was authoritative yet empathetic!  Yes!  This is why I’m here!  I love teaching!  Walking out of the classroom on a cloud, aglow in the moment, I look around and I realize that I don’t know where I am.  I’m lost once again on campus.  I’m a freshman.

Have you ever felt the collision of your former and current lives?  Are you managing going back to school as an adult?  How do you manage the shift?  Share with us!