Following the tumult of events in the last few weeks the Segullah staff has had many discussions of our reactions and feelings. We’ve talked about our sadness and frustrations, our sorrow and faith, and our hopes for the future.  While none of us affiliates with OW, we do see them as part of our sisterhood.

Today, we specifically discussed our thoughts and reactions to Kate’s statement to those still among the membership, in which she said: “Don’t leave. Stay, and make things better.” But far more important than that was the advice given by YW General President Bonnie Oscarson.

We all want to be those faithful women who do that. I feel that Kelly’s call to action isn’t new to us. In fact, to me it pairs with the words from President Oscarson. We’re all staying right here, and have a duty to God and each other to continue working to make things better.

Following are the thoughts, hopes, determinations and goals shared by the Segullah staff. For ease of reading, the themes discussed are broken down into: Making Things Better, Sharing Our Stories, and Going/Looking Forward.

Making Things Better

Melissa Young: I don’t know. I’m honestly a little conflicted about [Kate Kelly’s] statement, just because no one’s will should be imposed on anyone else. I don’t think Kate meant it as a directive (an imposition of will), but it can feel that way because of its brevity. If people feel inspired (really, from God, which I think is possible) to leave, they should leave. If the directive is from God, it’s the healthiest thing for them. For those who do stay, the way to make it better is going to be a personal thing, taken one situation at a time. We just have to learn how to cling to the Spirit and pray, pray, pray that we can know how and when to act or speak or listen.

Mostly, we have got to figure out how to be okay (and even appreciate, learn to love) people who have vastly different opinions. The power differentials make that especially tricky in some cases.

Justine Dorton: We are here because we have testimonies of the restored gospel. We have all (every one of us here) been working to make our lives, the church, our communities better every day and long before this situation arose. I don’t want this to sound as if we are taking up the torch because she asked me to. I have worked my behind off for years to have my own voice be heard. I feel like several of the women in my current ward have done amazing things to help men understand that our voices are important. And the men in our ward have responded by educating themselves, by really listening to the counsel to include women in ward council, and by making sure that each of us has a voice in how our ward is run.

Shelah Miner: I’m quick to talk and slow to listen. I’m quick to tell the Lord what I want, and slow to hearken to what He wants for me. I think that a large part of making things better comes in learning to listen, both to the people around us, and to the Lord. For some of us, the challenge is to make our voices heard, and for others, it’s to let others make their voices heard.

Sandra Jergensen: Sometimes when I’m not inclined listen or understand, I tell myself that what someone else has to say or feels is as important to them as what I have to say and what I feel is to me. That helps even if I don’t agree. The tactics used by OW were uncomfortable for me, but that was different from what they had to say and the questions they asked. I was inclined to listen, because I understand what it is to want more. Being heard means so much.

Sharing Our Stories

Dalene Rowley: I think here at Segullah we are already and will continue to do one thing that will make it better and that is to share our stories. I recently felt compelled to put into words some of what has been swimming around in my heart and head and share them with someone who’d been asked to speak on the topic of the role of women in the church. My intent was to help that person see things from the female perspective, so part of what I wrote was snippets of stories of women I know who have been marginalized. Sadly, I didn’t feel that what I shared had been received as I intended.

However, after I’d written my piece, I decided to send it to my kids, because part of what I wrote is also my testimony. Most of them ignored it, but I got the sweetest response from my oldest, who said he had to teach the 15-year-olds on the same topic that day and he wanted to use some of what I wrote to help him with his lesson. After church he told me that he’d typed up the scenarios and handed them out to his kids – boys and girls alike – and then he had them read them and think about them and talk about how what happened in the scenario might make them feel and what they should do if something like that had happened to them.

And this is exactly what I want to have happen with our stories – I want us to hear each other and try to put ourselves in each other’s shoes because I absolutely believe that will help us love and serve one another better. And I especially want our boys to hear those stories so that they can take a step back and see the effect that some of their choices and some of their words have on people and, hopefully, they can choose to love and serve as the Savior would.

Angela Hallstrom: It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable–to be honest and share your own failings and questions, in the spirit of love and openness. For example, even though it was a small thing, I loved the moment in Sister Oscarson’s General Conference talk when she admitted that she doesn’t exercise. The honesty and realness of that made me immediately feel closer to her; I thought, “Aha! Here is a woman who isn’t afraid of imperfection. I think I can trust her.” We must try to be loving and open instead of guarded and judgmental–but being loving and open is scary, because we most certainly open ourselves up to being hurt or misunderstood. But there’s no other way.

Shelah Miner: I loved Lisa Torcasso Downing’s post “Perspective and the Ordain Women Problem” which talks about the power of story in helping us understand the experiences of others.

Anonymous: I have felt over and over that I need to stay because there will be someone who will walk in to church for the first time, see me with multiple piercings, tattoos, and wearing pants and feel comfortable. But there’s a lot of pressure being the lone liberal in my ward.

Emily Milner: For women who agree with the decision regarding Kate Kelly (I am, I think, one of them), we want Segullah to be a safe space. We would like to be open to all stories: women who were wounded by Kate Kelly’s excommunication, and also those women who were hurt by Ordain Women’s actions in the first place. That’s a tough place for us to inhabit, but it has always been our ideal.

Going/Looking Forward

Melissa Young: Also, I thought Kel’s post today was wonderful for providing the perspective that this event isn’t the only or most terrible thing happening.

Cheri Schulzke: What Melissa Young said about “Is it I?”–look to our own beams. Also, what Sis. Oscarson said about respectful, kind communication toward everyone.

Heather Oman: I view making the church better as making a space where people can talk to each other about things that are uncomfortable without being uncomfortable. Can a Relief Society, for example, have members in a class discuss priesthood ordinance for women openly without the Relief Society president feeling like she has to shut things down? Can we discuss what it feels like, for example, when your husband is addicted to porn or your brother is gay and bringing his husband to your daughter’s wedding or your child had an abortion or your daughter-in-law cheated on your son and now you kind of hate your daughter-in-law but are trying somehow to make peace with the whole mess so you can still have access to your grandkids? (These are direct examples from people I know, and not a single one of those discussions has ever happened or even been allowed to happen in Relief Society) So many blogs talk about how they have created a “safe space”. I’d like to see our actual spaces be safe.

Emily Milner: There is no such thing as a safe space as long as you are worried about people gossiping about your struggles behind your back. And that requires two fixes: one, stop worrying about what people think, and two, stop gossiping.

Heather Bergevin: It just kept occurring to me that the rejoicing in anyone’s suffering is so divisive, so in opposition to any of our goals and missions. Instead of searching for motes and beams, we should be searching for unity, and figuring out WHY we have so many unhappy people in pain. There’s no way that all this suffering is coming from no place. It’s no rumor, no apostasy by pretending abuses and problems. These aren’t hate groups coming after us. This IS us. Not “those Other People.” Us. And if there’s a great deal of pain in any body, it usually indicates something is wrong. Shin splints, cancer, arthritis…pain indicates something.

Kel George: About all of it all I can think is “Don’t hide. Be yourself. Other wonky, clever, scientific, fantastical, strong and oddball women need to see there are more people like them, ESPECIALLY at church, who are not hiding their best, true selves. Help people. Love God.” It’s because I’ve tried to do that, that I’ve had friends feel safe to share their pains with me. Mourning, comforting, celebrating, serving those that need it.

Justine Dorton:  I don’t for a minute think Kate was being condescending when she spoke those words, but I also don’t think that many of us will substantively change our actions because of those words. We are already doing them, and have been for years.

Dalene Rowley: We need to stay and share our hearts through our stories. I want us to hear each other and try to put ourselves in one another’s shoes because I absolutely believe doing so will open our hearts and help us love and serve one another better.

Linda Hoffman Kimball: When Christ visited the Nephites, He declared the unity of the Godhead and Gospel in its simplicity:

I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little child, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God. Verily, verily, I say unto you, that this is my doctrine, and whoso buildeth upon this buildeth upon my rock, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against them. (3 Nephi 11:38-39.)

This “Good News” sounds splendid and powerful. But before we get the idea that this is an easy task to undertake, note that during this same conversation Christ includes this challenge:

Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of [humans] with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away. (3 Nephi 11:30)

Really, Jesus?

Somehow we’re not only supposed to allow but actually love other sisters and brothers whose ideas and perspectives we don’t share. This spiritually muscular task will be a lifelong challenge and one I cannot accomplish without leaning on my Savior.

A few years ago I read a thought that struck down my idealist notions. In weaker words it goes like this- If you stop seeing green as the only color for a beautiful landscape, suddenly you discover you can see beauty everywhere, in every color and landscape. This is how we move forward, how we love one another and heal our hurt- is to see each other in all our colors; prickled desert, salty marsh, fertile river valley or craggy mountain grandeur. God made them all, God loves us all.

We don’t assume that all the Segullah women or readers feel that the right or wrong thing happened to Kate Kelly. But as a sisterhood we do believe that in the midst of this mess we can come together to “unite for compassion and acceptance for each other” as Darlene Young expressed. To us, this is part of what Segullah’s mission is- to tell stories that invoke humanity, causing us to be more humane; to see each other through new and loving eyes no matter the black, white, gray or striking bricolage those stories invoke.