Quick quiz: name more than five examples of idiotic, selfish and/or juvenile men in TV ads, or movies, television programs or books. Pretty easy, yeah? Now, name more than five men who are believable, decent, good, caring men in the same mediums. More difficult, right?

Rapidly approaching my first Single Adult activities as a divorced woman, panic struck so intensely I had been visiting a counsellor to address my significant… ah… “trust issues and social avoidance” (her words, not mine – I’d have gone with “self-preservation and comfortable habits”). Hence, I was given unexpected homework for the week ahead; testing the hypothesis that there were good men in the world and – to stop anxiety clawing its panicked way up my spine to throttle me – was told to look first for examples in books, on TV or in movies.

“I don’t want you to look for the romantic comedy/chiselled jaw/Disney happily ever after rubbish”, she told me. “Instead, I want to you consider the characters, their flaws, their strengths, and see if there are decent men, even presented fictionally. Men who try to do their best, not just for themselves but for their friends and family. Flawed people, yes, who might yell or get angry or pick their noses and make mistakes, but who also make and keep promises as much as they can, who try to be good. Go see what you can find. You need to find evidence that there are decent men in the world.”

I didn’t want to do it.

It’s one thing to come to an agreement with the monster under your bed about just how much sheet will protect you and the number of seconds head start given on your way to the door – it’s quite another to grab a flash light, tumble to the ground and crawl towards the scary unknown teeth somewhere ahead.

However, academic perfectionist that I am, because it was given as homework I couldn’t NOT do it. On the long drive home, and after careful perusal of my shelves, I came up with:

• Coach Eric Taylor in “Friday Night Lights” (TV series). I’ve only recently started watching the show (I’m the only person in Australia I know who watches it) but love how decent Eric is. Sure, he argues with his wife, gets frustrated, struggles to connect with his daughter and is not thrilled at times to answer his door to one of the team members, but he TRIES to be a good husband, an involved father, a committed coach. He apologises when he’s done the wrong thing, or disappointed someone. He holds people accountable, and demands better from the boys – and people – under his care.
•  Lalit Verma (the Dad) and PK Dubey (the wedding organiser) in “Monsoon Wedding” (movie). Monsoon Wedding has one of the most beautiful depictions of fatherhood I have ever seen, and one of the sweetest love stories.  These two men in particular are not perfect, but they make difficult choices with the best of intentions and hopes.
•  John Perry in John Scalzi’s “Old Man’s War” series (books). On his seventy-fifth birthday, John Perry visits a grave, and then joins the army. John is loyal to his friends, protects those he cares for, and tries to live in a way he is proud of while defending Earth (from a long, long way away).
• Wash in the TV series “Firefly” and the movie “Serenity”. Wash isn’t a hero. He’s a guy who drives a spaceship and has an enjoyment of loud floral shirts and plastic dinosaurs. But he loves his wife totally, and takes quiet pride in how good a pilot he is. Wash is proof that you don’t need muscles or guns or command to be an amazing guy.
• Joe Harman in Nevil Shute’s “A Town Like Alice” (book). Set half in Malaysia during WW2, Joe is a soldier in the Australian Army, and a prisoner-of-war to the Japanese. What Joe does for Jean (also a POW), and for the women and children she is leading, is a depiction of a sacrificing, determined man for others in need.

I also asked friends for some recommendations. I’m still going through the list, but one early find was in Lois McMaster Bujold’s “The Curse of Chaldion”. The main character, Cazaril, is broken in many ways, yet – as one person describes him – shines “like a city aflame”.

“You shine like a city aflame.” I was sent looking for a person whose character glowed from within, and could not be hid. I was counselled to look for examples, found more than I expected, and I continue to do so. I’ve seen real life examples of men who are intrinsically good, who actively try to be better than they are, and in doing so are examples to me (that there truly are decent men in the world, not just on pages or screens) but also to my sons, who are also looking for men to study, understand and emulate.

I am looking for a good man, and so far they are hard to find. But they do exist, I’m sure of it. Because I’ve read of their struggles on fragile pages and in sturdy library books, watched their choices unfold on flickering screens, sat in church and at tables near them, work with them, been promised one in my prayers, and am doing my wonky best within the loud, loving walls of my own home to raise two boychilds to become honourable, good and decent men.

In the meantime – while I wait to date one of these nigh on mythical creatures – I have plenty of books and shows to enjoy which present many a good man. Do you have any suggestions or recommendations of books, movies or series which have positive examples of men in them?

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