How much do you love your job?
I’ve really let myself go. My last shoe purchase was in November, there are saltine cracker crumbs in the crevices of my car seats because I eat breakfast on the way to work, and I drink tap water. And I haven’t washed my face in years.
I mean really washed my face. My typical skincare regimen goes like this: I get up in the morning and stick my face under the tap, then spread a glob of whatever is on hand (leftover Proactive from high school, trial size Estee Lauder foam cleansers I found in last year’s Christmas stocking, Biore something or other), rinse, then slather on some generic non-scented lotion that I’ve had for nine years because I bought it in bulk at Costco. Only after attending a recent Mary Kay makeover event did I realize why my face feels like a block of wax and my lips have the texture of sandpaper. I’ve been doing everything wrong. Mary Kay Barbie said so.
I wasn’t going to go, but I was invited by one of the six-dozen ladies at church who recently became MK beauty consultants. The invitation fondly recalled my one and only other brush with MK. Hours before I got married, a roommate’s sister sold me a foundation that magically made the popcorn kernel-sized zit between my eyebrows disappear. Which made me realize that Jesse is sort of indebted to MK too; thanks to the foundation, we got some decent wedding photos. So how could I not go?
On the outside, the MK Beauty Center is badly in need of its own makeover, but the inside is cotton candy pink. When I arrived, women were lined up outside the door waiting for our host, MK Barbie, to make her grand entrance. She was really late, so I stood by the food table for a while, staring at a Crockpot the same color as the walls, complete with MK insignia and full of chili.
Eventually all the guests were ushered in and MK Barbie stationed herself at her podium to the sound of applause from a small ocean of red jacketed beauty consultants in the audience. Words can’t convey how excitable a person MK Barbie is, but I’ll try. She’s equal parts bobble-head cheerleader, Lady Gaga on steroids, and Red Bull energy drink in hot pink faux snakeskin shoes. She speaks in capital letters and peppers her sentences with her favorite phrase, “OMG, TURN TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND SAY SHUT UP!!” Often, this phrase is accompanied by that movement some people make with their necks that mimics the head bobbing of birds in the genus meleagris. Her middle name is ROCKSTAR. She also thinks everyone else’s name is ROCKSTAR, especially when they purchase MK, or make an MK sale.
MK Barbie presided over the first half of the meeting, which involved a steady stream of clapping, whooping, and dancing as she bestowed gifts upon the consultants under her direction: pearl earrings for a lady who sold over $1200 at a single MK party last week; a 14 karat gold bracelet for someone who did 800 facials last month; an Oriental Trading Co. tiara for finishing the Satin Hands Challenge—two ladies tied for this recognition and momentarily considered cutting the crown in half. Then MK Barbie made the culminating announcement to her sales team: “I GOT THE MOST EXCITING NEWS! WE ARE THE UNIT WITH THE THIRD HIGHEST SALES COUNT IN THE COUNTRY, WHICH MEANS WE ARE ROCKSTARS!!!!!!!! DOUBLE SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! WE ARE GOING TO PERFORM ON STAGE IN FRONT OF 5,000 PEOPLE AT THE NEXT MK CORPORATE EVENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I forget what she actually said, but it involved the number three, 5,000 people, and dancing to a Spice Girls song.
While the consultants planned the upcoming pajama party at MK Barbie’s house and the choreography for their Spice Girls number, MK Barbie led all the guests in a round of self-indulgent pampering with a dizzying array of MK products.
We held little stand-up mirrors and Styrofoam palettes sectioned with 12 boxes. We all had to go around the circle and announce our skin types, which sounded like the AA meetings on TV: “Hi, my name is Sarita and I’ve had dry skin for 27 years…” Once every guest’s palette was personalized with the creams and formulas and gels suited to their skin type, I quickly learned that I’m a “hodgepodge girl,” someone without any consistency in the products she uses, which MK Barbie says is the equivalent of “CHEMICAL WARFARE!” Apparently, I’ve been subjecting my skin to chemical warfare at least once (sometimes twice!) every day since age 12.
MK Barbie narrated the entire pampering session, offering the 411 on each of 12+ products we tried. We oohed and ahhed at the eyeliner demonstration, which consisted of MK Barbie swiping the pencil on her wrist and rubbing it briskly with the fingers of her other hand to show that, “YOU CAN WEAR IT TO THE GYM AND SWEAT IN IT, YOU CAN GO GARDENING, YOU CAN CRY, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!” It won’t come off until you apply the MK makeup remover that looks like paint thinner in a pretty, translucent, pink bottle.
Sometime in between applying a hydrating mask that had to soak into our skin for several minutes, giving us the appearance of white, crusty aborigines, and before product number 7, a décolleté cream that supposedly freezes the inevitable progress of chicken neck that starts in your forties, MK Barbie told us her life story:
BEFORE FINDING MK, I NEVER WORE MAKEUP, I WASN’T CONFIDENT, AND I ONLY HAD 5 FRIENDS. I HAD BEEN WAITRESSING FOR 15 YEARS AND MY LEGS WERE A HOT COTTAGE CHEESE MESS! I HAD REACHED THE POINT WHERE I COULDN’T PAY MY MORTGAGE AND REALIZED THAT IF I DIDN’T DO SOMETHING, MY HUSBAND AND I WOULD LOSE OUR HOUSE, AND MY HUSBAND DIDN’T EVEN KNOW! I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THE $100 IN CASH REQUIRED TO START MY MK BUSINESS, SO I SAVED ROLLS OF QUARTERS UNTIL I HAD 12 OF THEM TO BUY MY STARTER KIT. BUT I DID IT! BECAUSE I BUILT MY BUSINESS CONSISTENTLY AND PERSISTENTLY, WITHIN TWO YEARS I HAD PROMOTED MYSELF TO TOP SALES DIRECTOR AND GOT MY FIRST CAR AND MY RED JACKET AND THEN MY SECOND CAR AND MY PURPLE JACKET AND I WAS CROWNED IN FRONT OF 10,000 PEOPLE AND IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then we smelled perfume, and heard about lotion that makes your freckles go away, and beheld the phenomenon that is the apricot glaze eye shadow—it looks exactly the same on everyone’s palette, but once applied to the eyelids it looks different on each person. Except me. It doesn’t look like anything on my eyelids. While we applied mascara, MK Barbie declared that three commodities that sell during a recession are: cigarettes, alcohol, and cosmetics, because, “IS ANY WOMAN GOING TO GO A DAY WITHOUT USING MASCARA TO SAVE MONEY? NO!!!!!!”
Speaking of mascara, I won some in a drawing. The NEW definition of LOVE, Lash Love. It “Defines. Defends. Delivers. 4 Times the Volume without Looking Overdone.” But I gave it to the woman sitting next to me, because she didn’t really have any eyelashes, but you could tell she loved the mascara because it made it look like she had eyelashes.
I didn’t join the Mary team because: a) after a three-hour pampering session, I still looked like me, only I smelled like a coconut; b) when MK Barbie asked, “When was the last time your boss gave you a diamond ring to reward you for a job well done?” I thought, “Before the recession, I always got a $7 Café Rio card on Teacher Appreciation Day…” the point being that all those partially-paid-for grilled chicken salads added up, even if not as fast as the patio sets, gold jewelry, and all-expense paid trips to Florida; c) I don’t own anything pink; d) I already have 5 friends; e) I probably won’t care that someone will call me Chicken Neck Barbie in 20 years because my neck will have drooped down to my sternum; f) I keep my makeup in a Ziploc bag—no, not a Ziploc bag, one of those sandwich bags that doesn’t even close…
I’m so far beyond help that not even MK Barbie can save me. Oh well.
This was obviously not the typical MK event (or maybe it was; people said my description is quite accurate…). I was merely making observations. The upsides of all this were that MK Barbie was even more entertaining than watching Hunger Games, and it was nice to see someone so excited to come to work. I admire the enthusiasm. What are you passionate about? Do you know anyone like MK Barbie? Do you have any foolproof solutions for chicken neck?
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