I have this memory of studying one morning as a missionary in Cuenca. I was focused on my study, and when my companion wanted to tell me something I snapped at her, because I didn’t want to be interrupted. I went along studying and going about our day until I finally clued in that I had hurt her feelings, and then we talked about it. And suddenly I saw everything in reverse, saw that I had been crabby and rude, and I felt terrible.
What happened next amazed me: she totally forgave me. I continued to wallow in guilt over my tendency to be grumpy, wondered whether I would ever develop the kindness needed to be a good missionary, wondered how she could tolerate my presence. But she had moved past, and was happy and willing to work together again. She had the gift of forgiving easily, which is so much not my gift that I struggled to believe her. To this day I remember her as kind, compassionate, and wonderful, because of her mercy on my crabby day.
I could tell many other stories. I behaved very badly one mission day in Loja, and again my companion–a different one–forgave me wholeheartedly. Once a month or so I turn into a bundle of nerves, in which every little thing grates on me, and my husband is unfailingly gracious when this happens. I could go on, but I’ll stop here.
For the most part, I trust that God forgives me. I am used to that sense of grace and peace, and I believe in it. I am okay with being at His mercy. What I have a harder time believing is that others really truly have forgiven me. I don’t want to have to be at anyone else’s mercy. I don’t want to rely on the grace of anyone but God.
Obviously this is unrealistic. And yet, it’s still there, this desire to not have to be forgiven, to do things so perfectly that I don’t have to beg anyone’s pardon. Which leads me to this story, about forgiveness in families. BYU professor Randy Day talks about the correlation between the quality of family relationships and our ability to forgive. To the degree that we can humble ourselves, forgive and be forgiven, our families will be successful. I’m intrigued by that correlation.
It makes me think of this line from The Family: A Proclamation to the World: “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”
I am often not very good at forgiving; I think I’ve gotten over something and then it all comes back again. It’s a process, for me, and sometimes a lengthy one. Maybe it’s because I’m so bad at it myself that I have a hard time both asking others to forgive me, and then really believing them when they do. But when I truly believe, I taste again the sweetness of God’s love for me, only coming from another human being, who has accessed that love and seen me with merciful eyes. I am humbled. And grateful.
Is it easy for you to believe that you’ve been forgiven by someone you have wronged? Is it easier to believe in God’s mercy than your friend’s? How has forgiveness strengthened your family?
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