With the recent reports about the devastating effects of bullying, my thoughts have turned to an experience my daughter has struggled with recently: running interference between John*, a non-LDS high school friend of hers, and Doug and Carl*, two LDS boys in our stake who have been harassing him. The three boys only know each other through her—and through Facebook, at that—but when John clicked “like” on a school-based gay support group, it showed up on the Facebook newsfeed accessible to the stake friends miles away.  The two LDS boys, each separately and unaware of the other, started sending John offensive messages and calling him horrible names, repeatedly.  They finally stopped, after my daughter pleaded and John blocked them on Facebook, but his comment to her was basically “nice church you have there.”

Through tears, my daughter expressed her dismay: “Mormon kids, of all people, should understand how to be compassionate.” Somewhere along the line, they had lost sight of charity and the second great commandment.

A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another;
as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
John 13:34

. . .

It happens within our own groups, too. A few years ago, as a new Beehive, another daughter had a terrible experience at girls’ camp where some of the Laurels tied her up, gagged her, and left her alone in the cabin on the top bunk. Yes, they couldn’t have known about her secret anxieties and nightmares she’s been having for most of her life. Maybe they thought they were being funny and just teasing in a playful way. But for her, it was her worst nightmares come true.  It shattered her trust and admiration of those older girls and for months she begged to be able to attend another ward.  Of all places, of all people, she should have felt safe with her community of young sisters.

And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another,
but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism,
having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another.
Mosiah 18:21

. . .

When I read the recent press release issued by the church, three words especially stood out:

“This Church has felt the bitter sting of persecution and marginalization early in our history, when we were too few in numbers to adequately protect ourselves and when society’s leaders often seemed disinclined to help. Our parents, young adults, teens and children should therefore, of all people, be especially sensitive to the vulnerable in society and be willing to speak out against bullying or intimidation whenever it occurs, including unkindness toward those who are attracted to others of the same sex. This is particularly so in our own Latter-day Saint congregations. Each Latter-day Saint family and individual should carefully consider whether their attitudes and actions toward others properly reflect Jesus Christ’s second great commandment – to love one another [italics added].”

Unfortunately, research indicates that teasing and name-calling are pretty common among LDS teens. In our small one-family sample, my daughters are the only members of the LDS church in their school but their only experiences with bullying have occurred in their interactions with other church members, not school acquaintances of other faiths. We should know better but we don’t necessarily do better.

If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother,
he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen,
how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
1 John 4:20.

. . .

Is it fear? Is it ignorance? Is it that we think so highly of ourselves that “we, of all people, should know better” too easily migrates into “we, of all people, know better”? What can we do to encourage better behavior?

Perhaps, rather, we should know of all people better.

. . .

The church’s statement encourages us to speak out against bullying and intimidation whenever it occurs. As parents and leaders of youth, how can we best discourage teasing and bullying and encourage kindness and respect? What does this look like on  family, ward, stake, and church-wide levels?

What can we do as leaders and parents to mitigate the effects of bullying if it happens? How to help the bully? The bullied?

What changes to church youth programs and curricula would encourage an increase in kindness and reduction in cruelty?

*Names have been changed.

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