Time Element
Two men were seriously discussing Biblical matters, when one declared, “Did you know that Jonah was three days in the stomach of a big fish they call the whale?”
Sam looked disgusted. “That ain’t much,” he said. “My uncle was longer than that in the stomach of a big animal they call the alligator.”
“You don’t say!” exclaimed the first. “How long?”
“He’s there yet!” answered Sam.
The Lost Point
The tourist stopped at the farmhouse. “Pardon,” he said to the farmer, “what do you do with all that corn?”
“We eat what we can, and what we can’t eat we can.”
The tourist looked blank, and his wife nudged him, and asked, “What did he say?”
“I think he’s a little off,” replied the tourist. “He said they ate what they could, and what they couldn’t they could.”
No Appreciation
Artist: “I paint a picture in three days, and think nothing of it.”
Critic: “Neither do I.”
Jolted
“Does my practicing make you nervous?” asked the thoughtful but persistent saxophone player.
“It did when I first heard the neighbors talking about it,” said the man next door, “but now I don’t care what happens to you.”
Clever Mutt
Jim: “Your dog looks smart.”
Tim: “Yeah. I say, ‘Are you coming or aren’t you?’ and he either comes or he doesn’t.”
Full Value
The dime isn’t entirely worthless. It makes a fairly good screwdriver.
Not To Be Outdone
A famed American industrialist, who constantly speaks with familiarity about all the great men of the world, recently returned from a European trip. He dined with a man who refused to be impressed with all the glory he has amassed. The industrialist told him: “I had an audience with the King of England – ”
“I know, I know,” said the other. “He told me.”
—
A company that makes too many mistakes goes bankrupt. A government that makes too many mistakes borrows money to make more.
Torment
A shoe salesman told his boss, “That woman has suffered much for her belief.” “What do you mean?” asked the other. “What is her belief?” Retorted the salesman, “That she can wear a size four shoe.”
Oh, Dear!
“What is she so angry about?” asked the puzzled bridesmaid. “The paper gave a full account of her wedding.”
“It certainly did,” agreed the maid of honor with a giggle. “It even mentioned the fact that she was married to the well-known collector of antiques.”
Pure Conceit
It is more than contentment that one detects nowadays in the cow. A certain arrogance goes with standing around in all that high-priced meat.
Unappreciated
A skinny, hatchet-faced spinster, attending a Hollywood garden party, gazed out upon the incredibly beautiful landscape, and gushed, “Oh, I just love nature!”
Groucho overheard. “That’s loyalty for you,” he quipped, “after what nature did for her!”
Ouch!
Doctor: “Your husband must be absolutely quiet. Here are some sleeping tablets.”
Wife: “When do I give them to him?”
Doctor: “You don’t; they are for you.”
Clarity
The case was in court, and the attorney for his client persisted in telling an opposing witness a few things. “Now, sir,” he said, “You’ve heard what the last witness said, and yet your evidence is to the contrary. Am I to infer that you doubt her veracity?”
The polite young man waved a deprecating hand and answered, “Not at all. I merely with to make it clear what a liar I am if she’s speaking the truth.”
Rush Season
The church was crowded for the Easter service. The minister, recalling many Sundays when there had been few worshipers, gave way to a puckish impulse and said:
“I realize that there are many here who will not be with us again until next Easter time. I take this opportunity of wishing them a merry Christmas.”
—
There is no doubt that women can keep a secret as well as men, but it takes more of them to do it.
A Shrewd Deal
A sailor went to an auction sale, where the auctioneer was offering a parrot. He bid $5. Someone said $10, and the sailor bid $15. Again someone bid $25, and the sailor bid $40, and he finally got the bird.
As he walked out, he said to the auctioneer, “That’s a big price to pay for a parrot; can he talk?”
The auctioneer replied, ‘You ought to know; he’s the one that was bidding against you.”
“As You Like It”
The immigration officer was questioning the would-be subject. “Name?” he queried.
“Sneeze,” replied the Chinese.
The official looked hard at him. “Is that your Chinese name?’
“No, American name,” said the Chinese blandly.
“Then let’s have your native name.”
“Ah Choo.”
Translation
An American soldier in Wales entered a large hotel. He noticed the “tamhtab” worked in the mat in his room. “Ah,” he exclaimed to the bellboy, “I suppose that is Welsh for welcome.”
“No,” replied the bellhop: “that’s the bathmat upside down.”
Honest Answer
The gentleman stopped to talk to the wee girl who was making mud pies on the sidewalk.
“My word,” he exclaimed,”you’re pretty dirty, aren’t you, my little girl?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but I’m prettier clean.”
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