First time blogger Heather Bennion Judd shares her recent “tough day” cathartic writing at the coaxing of a friend. Not the B.A. in English from BYU, but rather the small stack of short stories, poetry and essays that she’s written since the 4th grade should have been a clue that this day of virtual “publication” would inevitably come. Mother of three children and wife of the gentle and attentive Dr. Marty Judd, Heather’s favorite pastime is baking—wait—shopping—or perhaps just talking to friends. Her sister calls her “Elasta-Mom,” but she also responds to an enthusiastic “ELASTA!”
Today I went to help my mom. I helped her take a shower, washed her hair, gave her a haircut, and did laundry. Okay, I even cleaned up the poop and pee in the potty chair. I cleaned the toilets, even though I had cleaned them the day before. I witnessed her shaky hands and weak legs as she attempted to get out of bed. I held her up as we walked to the spare bedroom so that I could change the sheets on her bed—again something I had done the day before.
As I sat on her bed and chatted with her a few moments—she eating a lettuce and tomato sandwich I had made her—I was taken back 30 years to when I was about 17 years old. After a few weeks of excruciating pain, Mom had finally had surgery on her neck. She recovered for—again—I don’t know how many weeks. As a busy teenager I ran in and out of the house, occasionally stopping by her bedroom, but then I was off doing my own thing. I remember pangs of guilt for not doing much for her. In retrospect I know that I was in denial that my mom was “broken,” that she might need my help. I am sure I have tucked away what really happened, but memories I am able to yank from my subconscious mind remind me that I was self-centered and weak.
During those selfish teenage years my favorite scripture became Ether 12:27: “I give unto men weakness that they may be humble….and my grace is sufficient…for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” I remember rejoicing at the understanding that I didn’t have to beat myself up about my weaknesses. They were there to serve a purpose; and with humility and through the Atonement, those weaknesses could be made strong.
So, for years I have relied in the Savior to help me be less selfish. I believe He has often given me the gift of charity toward others. I believe that He has forgiven me for my selfish neglect of my mother when I was 17. His forgiveness might have been enough. But through His love and wisdom He has given me an opportunity to accomplish my own redemption—to ransom my own actions. Even though the opportunity to comfort, dress, clean and feed my Mom is at times sad, it is also a satisfying moment to love in a way that I was not capable—or at least did not choose to—30 years ago.
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