Today’s Up Close on this months’ topic, Adoption, comes to us from Jeannette. She is a mother to boy/girl twins and has been happily married for 10 years to her best friend. She loves to read, play sports, spend time outside, play games with her family and spend time online. She lives in the Northwest.
I was eighteen when what I swore would never happen to me, happened. I was pregnant. You know there is something wrong when you are taking a pregnancy test by yourself in a McDonald’s bathroom, and yet there I was. I should have been a few years older doing this in my own home with a loving husband right there, waiting with me. The test was glaringly positive but I felt disbelief followed quickly by shock, surprise and fear. I had just graduated high school a few months earlier and there was no way I was ready to be a Mom. Not to mention the fact that I had left my boyfriend in Texas two days before.
I don’t know why I was that surprised, I mean, I had been sexually active since I was 15. But I had done the responsible thing and had gone to Planned Parenthood by myself to get the Pill. I guess the surprise was coming in because I was getting ready to turn over a new leaf. While in Texas with my boyfriend, it had finally hit me: I was miserable! I wasn’t active in the church, I was living with a guy I didn’t love, I was in Texas while all of my family that I loved was back in Wyoming. I was so far, literally and figuratively, from what I knew to be right and from what my parents had taught me. So I left him and came home, just in time to move with my family to a different state, and to find out I was pregnant.
I have to be honest; my first thought was that I couldn’t have a baby. I knew a girl that was rumored to have gotten an abortion and I thought – I can just talk to her and find out where/how she did it and no one will ever have to know. That thought lasted about as long as it took to think it. There was no way I could really do that a baby. After all, my teenage friends and I in our great wisdom had had discussions about all of the child less couples who were waiting, desperate to have children. And there was my friend’s older sister who had recently had a baby and placed it for adoption, and seemed to be doing great. So I would just have this baby and place it for adoption. No biggie.
One of the positive things that resulted from my bad behavior, was now that I was back home I had real, honest communication with my parents. And none of my admissions seemed to surprise them all that much. Except for maybe telling my Mom that my period was late. Her reply was that I better pray that I get it. But I didn’t get it and the absolute weariness that I felt and my voracious appetite seemed to reinforce what I finally accepted and knew: I was really pregnant.
With my family’s move, I was now living closer to my older brother and his wife. I really liked my sister in law and looked up to her. She was pretty, educated and funny. And she didn’t judge me. In fact she was the one who helped me set up my appointment with LDS Family Services (LDSFS). I was nervous before meeting my social worker but she swept away any nerves I had within minutes. She was awesome! We had a great visit and I left armed with loads of pamphlets about teenage pregnancy, adoption and single parenting. But I didn’t even read the ones about single parenting. I knew that adoption was what I wanted.
My Dad was extremely patient as he ferried me back and forth to my appointments at LDSFS and to my doctor appointments. He waited outside and listened to me on the ride home as I talked through whatever was on my mind at the moment.
My first doctor’s appointment made it all too real. There was no denying it when I heard that tiny heartbeat. I cried. Once again, I was by myself. I vowed that the next time, I would do it right – my husband would be there with me and we would share this moment. It would be a joyful time. Not one of sadness and loneliness like it was now. My doctor was great. I didn’t feel judged by him and once he knew my plan of adoption, he was supportive.
As my belly grew, my testimony and faith did also. I met with my new bishop and laid everything on the line. He was kind and totally in tune with the Spirit. I was placed on probation and couldn’t take the sacrament. Something that I had taken for granted and never really gave the proper reverence too was now the something that I missed the most! I worked with him and my social worker and slowly put myself back together. I learned that the sexual abuse I had suffered as a child was definitely a big part of my promiscuity and it explained so many things to me.
I was able to work on my relationship with my Mom and we grew extremely close. Together, we chose fabric to make two quilts for the little girl I was carrying. We picked out an outfit to send her home in. I asked her about all of my weird pregnancy aches and pains. Once again my Dad was the chauffer; he took me to get whatever food I was craving, to work and back and also to my many appointments at LDSFS and the doctor’s office.
Having the support of my parent’s, my social worker, my Bishop and my doctor was huge. I felt secure in my decision and I felt strong. I spent many hours on my knees in tears as I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I read my scriptures with real intent. I listened to beautiful music. I went for walks with my Mom and enjoyed the beautiful scenery along the walking path. I read my patriarchal blessing. I felt peace.
The day that I chose the adoptive parents is a day I will never forget. I was nervous. How would I know which ones where the right ones!? I wasn’t just messing up my own life anymore, I had this babies life to think of now and I wanted to make sure I picked the right parents. I didn’t realize it until later, but I wasn’t the one doing the picking, Heavenly Father was. As soon as I heard their profile and read their letter – I knew that I had found Jessica’s parents. There were absolutely perfect and fit everything on my wish list. I read their letter and got chills, Nancy’s handwriting was almost identical to my mother’s, something that I had always loved. There was no question, they were the ones!
My delivery came sooner that I expected (I was 2 weeks early!) and everything went well. I marveled at this little dark haired girl I held in my arms. I told her all of the reasons why I placing her for adoption. I told her I loved her. I stroked her silky soft head and smelled her hair. I sang to her. The two days I spent in the hospital were over all too quickly. I met with the adoptive parents before they got Jessica and the Spirit was so strong. Once again I knew this was the right thing to do. No matter how much my heart breaking, I would go back on my choice. I spent a few last minutes with Jessica. I changed her diaper, combed her hair and wrapped her carefully in the quilt my Mom and I had made together. I had arrived at LDSFS a girl who had just had a baby at 18 and I left a woman.
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