img_8876-copyHave you heard the three rules of human relationships?

First, don’t criticize.

Second, don’t criticize.

Hmm, and what’s the third one again?

Oh yeah. Don’t criticize.

As a child, I was reprimanded almost constantly and rather than developing an impervious skin to harsh words I became a raw, sunburned soul stung by every ray of disapproval. Still, as an adult, I now see the need and benefits of honest, constructive criticism.

Although I am a master of self-doubt, I lack the ability to see my abilities and foibles clearly. I depend on a few people to lend me clarity. My friends at ilovephotography.com offer specific critique and advice for improvement on my photos. Occasionally I’ll talk someone into editing one of my essays. And there’s no end of self-help books for my housecleaning woes. But the soul wrenching, life altering words come from God, my family and a few friends.

The Lord tells us he will both, “show unto them their weakness” and “make weak things become strong unto them.” Have you ever asked God to tell you how to improve? It’s a frightening question and one of the quickest to receive an answer. I have to be especially wary of turning around and criticizing God– “Well if only Thou did this a bit differently, it would be so much easier for me to obey.”

Does that sound childlike? It is. But I will always be His child(and someday a slightly better one) and most of my questions to God revolve around parenting. Discipline is a divine responsibility of all parents, but it’s far too easy for teaching to lead to preaching and finally screeching. My 10 year old cleaned the bathroom on Saturday– he did a lousy job. But rather than scolding him, my husband took him back to the bathroom and gave a refresher course on the art of scouring tubs, mopping floors and swishing toilets to shiny perfection. Our parenting isn’t always so neat and tidy, but criticizing the action and not the child is the model we seek.

Just as my son wouldn’t benefit from parents who say– “Oh you don’t need cleaning skills(my future daughter-in-law would hate me!).”– I gain no advantage from a spouse who says, “You are lovely and perfect in every way.” My poor husband has gained plenty of practice in constructive criticism teaching me(with limited success) to stick to a budget, bridle my temper and decrease my vanity. In return he is willing to make changes of his own.

Intimacy transforms censure to love. So it is usually only in close relationships that criticism is effective. Few accept condemnation from friends and it’s nearly universal to bristle at strangers offering disparagement. Yet, I’ve had a few occasions where the words of a stranger swiveled my heart into just the right place. I’ll never forget the bent lady who interrupted my mindless conversation with a friend to whisper, “You need to listen to your son, he’s trying to talk to you.” He was.

And I’m grateful to a commenter on my personal blog who said, “Frankly, I don’t find this very funny.” It wasn’t.

How do you feel about criticism? Are you good at giving it; are you good at accepting it? How can we pick our battles without nitpicking? Who do you accept censure from? Have you received excellent advice from unusual places? Where is criticism necessary and where is it completely inappropriate? And finally, have you been hurt by scornful words? How can we teach without avoid damaging souls?


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