Karyn works in the the tech industry but would rather be playing with her six-year old daughter. She has supported her husband through 7 years of cancer treatments and chronic pain. Just to tempt herself, Karyn lives in Los Angeles– a mecca of fabulous shopping and exquisite bargains.

A few years ago, I decided that I didn’t want to be a slave to anything. I didn’t want my cravings to control me any longer. So I made a decision to start ridding my life of my vices and addictions one at a time. I was sick and tired of having cravings that I know I shouldn’t satisfy. I hate that feeling - of wanting something that I know I shouldn’t want. Does that make sense? It’s like when you eat a cookie, eating that cookie makes you want to eat another cookie. You know you shouldn’t eat another cookie or even want to have another cookie, but you eat one anyway. Then you’re mad at yourself for not resisting the second cookie… After that, guilt sets in and you’re at odds with yourself. Can you relate?? It’s really an ugly cycle of highs and lows. For me, it’s better if I don’t even eat the first cookie - period.

So since my initial attempts of breaking a few bad habits and eliminating some vices (the road to recovery), I’ve essentially given up all candy and deserts. I broke my Diet Coke habit. I stopped watching my MTV and some other programming that shall remain nameless… I gave up my running addiction that used to control my life and my mood. I rarely if ever watch a rated R movie, and pizza is no longer a temptation that I can’t resist. I’m really not trying to brag about myself here. Most people who know me have no idea that I have taken such drastic measures (feels drastic, may seem petty to you…) to overcome habits to improve myself and strengthen my self control. What I am trying to do here is set the stage to introduce my current and most addictive vice, drug of choice, my favorite pastime and my greatest escape from reality. This addiction gets pushed further down on the list of things that I really need to give up. When I’ve tried to give up this addiction in the past, it became even more of a gripping obsession and I would tend to indulge even more. This isn’t a confession because everyone who knows me knows that I’m an addict. This isn’t something that I try to hide, I fully admit to it (not because I’m proud by any means) – it’s just that it is what it is and I am a ridiculous shopaholic.

I must add that I haven’t ever put our finances in jeopardy and I don’t necessarily spend a lot of money. I don’t really carry much debt as I try to settle up with my creditors every month. I am “The Return Queen,” willing to return my less purchase worthy items to ensure that I come close to breaking even by months end. I like the activity of going shopping and I consider it great exercise (at least that’s how I excuse myself and rationalize the time and energy devoted). Shopping simply gets me out of the house, and I like to keep up on the season’s new fashions and trends. Anyone who’s addicted to shopping knows that chasing the trends is an exhaustive pursuit. I love the bargain bin, Targetto and discount stores, and I typically go to the mall as a last resort…

Last Spring, I tried to break the addiction, so I challenged myself to go on what I call a lifestyle fast, a shopping fast for 30 days. I had to see if I could honestly live without shopping for one month. So I wrote up a personal contract that went a little something like this:

The NO Shopping Challenge!!

In an effort to build greater character, I will not shop for the next 30 days. This personal commitment includes not buying anything for myself that I do not need! I will not shop for recreational enjoyment or entertainment. I may however run needed errands and buy needed items for my daughter. I will allow myself to enter stores to do all my needed returns to get my balances on my credit cards down. Ultimate goals: Pay off credit cards and break my shopping habit, blah, blah, blah… Then, at the end of my contract, I signed it and included the following motivational quote: Ego is spending, character is saving (to make it sting a little). Although it wasn’t explicit in my contract, I prevented myself from shopping online as well. In order to monitor my progress closely, along with my contract I printed out a monthly calendar with a start and end date and I put a check mark on every day that I was successful. Pitiful, right?..

It wasn’t easy, at first I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was restless and irritable as you might expect when you’re going through withdrawals. I got some satisfaction when I paid off my credit cards, partly by doing returns. When returning my goods, I walked straight for the register, did my returns and then walked straight out. No glancing around or window shopping for ME! During this month, I did go out with my friends to lunch and such in shopping centers. My friends didn’t know I was on a shopping fast, and it was hard to resist the season’s new turquoise jewelry paired with pink taffeta dresses and red ruffled tops. I made a mental note to pick up an ensemble with this color combination as soon as my fast was over…

Writing about this experience reminds me the song “Sober,” by Pink. Some of the lyrics say, “…how do I feel this good sober?” I was feeling pretty good about my ability to resist my temptation and about two weeks into my challenge I felt like I was lighter… quite a bit lighter. I think I lost weight… How is that possible?? I’m fairly content with my weight and shape and I didn’t really think I had much weight to lose. I didn’t change anything about my diet and I most certainly didn’t replace shopping with a workout regimen. I don’t know for sure how much weight I lost because I don’t believe in weighing myself (that’s crazy makin’). But my clothes were noticeably looser. I tried to make sense of this phenomenon and what I attribute this to, is the “weight” of guilt and self loathing causes you to carry more body weight than you otherwise would. It was a load off to put my addiction on hold. By taking a break from the worry and the addiction cycle, I lost the emotional weight gain that affected my physical weight. The addiction cycle is enslaving and fierce - the shopping high, the buyer’s remorse, the guilt, the anxiety of paying off credit cards, self-reproach, psyching myself out to resist shopping, followed by failure and then the ugly cycle starts all over again. It’s a heavy load to carry in more ways than one…

Pink’s lyrics continue by saying, “there’s nothin’ like lookin’ at yourself sober-er-er…” It was sobering to realize that I was becoming myself again. I started to realize that I like myself better when I’m not “the shopper.” There really is nothing like looking at yourself sober. I thought that giving up shopping would make less interesting, bland and more agitated but I became more relaxed and less concerned with my physical self. I felt better in my skin, my physical identity was fading out and my spiritual identity was coming to the surface and into focus. I was laughing more and I was enjoying simple pleasures more. Taking a break from an addiction leads to less worry, less irritability, less stress and when you don’t allow your addiction to define you, you become more of yourself.

I didn’t expect my lifestyle fast to be quite the spiritual experience that it turned out to be. That’s what’s so ironic though, we “fast” to become closer to God. We sacrifice so that we might gain whatever we are in need of (whether we’re fasting for ourselves or for someone else), to prove that we are willing to give something up to gain something in return from God. Fasting is the quickest way that I can REALLY get in tune with God. Fasting makes me weak and humble so that I might more effectively communicate with God. Relating a food and water fast to a 30-day shopping fast might seem like a stretch, but without the distraction of shopping and the emotional and physical energy expended on my shopping addiction – left a lot of space in my life. I firmly believe that God fills the space and the space in between space. It was slow, but I could feel God’s presence and inspiration filling my empty space. In a sense, I took myself out of the world. I began trying to live in alignment with my spiritual identity and I started to notice that I was becoming more at peace, a little happier and more in tune with my Father, my Maker. He felt a little closer, the reception on my spiritual antennae was becoming clearer and the signal stronger (most days, I get static). There isn’t a better feeling than a keen awareness that God’s presence is a little more constant in my life. This was the return on my investment (my fasting) and the real blessing that came from this challenge.

We all have our vices, our favorite little sins, some of which might be healthy, but others – not so much. Although I’m still a power shopper, and I made up for my depravation the next month after my no shopping challenge was over, I feel like my shopping habits have changed for the better. I find comfort in knowing that if (more like when in this economy) I have to give up shopping altogether that I do have the capacity to live without it (don’t tell my husband) and the fits and withdrawals probably won’t last. Next vice to go – aimlessness…