I feel unsettled.




It's an intense mix of loneliness, anxiety, hunger, jealousy, frustration, angst, exhaustion, pain...

Like the floodgates of feeling have opened and the only thing behind them was Pandora's box.

If I stay home I'll probably eat until I'm sick.

I have a family activity that started already, and FHE for my ward at 7:00. But I'm not sure if I'll be able to push myself into going to either. Right now, I don't want to talk with anyone. I know inside that being around other people isn't going to make me better. And, right now, I just want this feeling to go away.

But I don't even know what the name of the feeling is.

It's consuming. It makes my stomach twist as I look at it, and seems to fuzz my brain a bit.

It's demanding. It has to be sated. Even writing this blog post doesn't change how I feel.

It's tempting. All the bad things I've ever done somehow seem tempting again right now. That's absurd, though - because I know, cognitively, that all the sins I made in the past were awful, terrible experiences. And yet, somehow, with this feeling, almost anything seems like a viable option. 

That's dangerous.

Wow. I just realized something. I know this feeling isn't unique in my life - it comes and goes, though it's usually far less intense than it is today. But I think it's the same feeling that possesses men to drown their lives. Alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, video games, food... the feeling comes, it demands satiation, and then we feel forced to pick our poison and its eventual consequences.


I'm a rational, faithful member of the Church. Doing the right thing is important to me. And yet, right now, temptation is looking me squarely in the face... and I see how simple it would be to just give in.

Am I going to? 

Am I going to let an incredibly intense feeling dictate my life?

I don't intend to.

I do intend to go to the gym and work out until an endorphin rush overwhelms whatever this chemical/hormonal urge is that is inside me. I'll likely miss the family activity. But I need to get the feeling gone.

But what about the guys who feel this way and don't have a gym next door?

What about the people who feel their only outlet is sex? Or pornography?

What's the *real* solution?


I don't know.

But I have to go to the gym before it consumes me.


... half an hour later ...

If I ever have that feeling again - the feeling that seems like it will never go away and makes me want to give in - this is a message for me: don't do it. Don't give up. Don't give in. Hormones go up, so they also go down. I can do this. I can go to the gym, or call a friend for help, or just go outside and watch the sky. Some things in life can push me to good, others to do bad.

This feeling just makes me *do*... And I hope I always have the courage, faith, and hope to make it make me choose the right.


My best friend mentioned something that made me think that maybe the feeling is designed to make me turn to God. And maybe it is, and *that* is the answer.

That feels right. In the past, doing missionary work, I'm realizing, has made it go away. And doing something that pulls me to God feels like a better idea than working out until I'm dead.

Thanks, best friend. And thanks, world, for listening. :)

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