Sometimes I find myself staring out the window, crying... for no reason at all. It's a really interesting feeling - a sort of complete powerlessness over my emotions and a feeling of inability to do anything to change them. It feels so different - so strange, as if something has temporarily taken over my mind and sabotaged my happiness... and yet it's also all too familiar. I turn on music and do something productive, lose myself in something good, then find myself, again, staring out the window, feeling like I am totally lost, alone, and starting to feel the first premonitions of worthlessness.

I have two options at that point. At the edge of depression, I realize that I become desperate... and when I'm desperate, some of the choices I make aren't the best. But, in desperation, I can also find incredible strength of will... the courage to do anything that will bring me out alive.

Recently I've taken to drugging myself when I can feel it coming - in the form of adrenaline and endorphins. I grab my gym bag, an mp3 player, and go to the gym, forcing myself to pump iron and steel until sweat has mixed with tears and I know I'll be sore the next day... and I can feel the natural feel-good chemicals rushing through my blood and into my brain. Sometimes it takes a few hours. But eventually the newly induced chemistry wins out and I'm at least able to go home smiling.

That happened tonight. I was staring out the window... and thankfully, I had a gym bag already packed and no uncancellable plans.

I look back at how I felt just a few hours ago... and I'm amazed at how much my choices affect my mind and my wellbeing.
Continue reading at the original source →