Back in the early 1990s, I was a member of the now-defunct GEnie online service. One of the areas I used to frequent was the Punnery, which had topics for various different types of puns. One of the topics was for Tom Swifties.  (While dining with friends at NorWesCon earlier this year, I discovered that not everyone is familiar with the Tom Swifty form. Basically, the joke has two parts: the thing that a person said, followed by the way in which the person [usually named Tom] said it.  There is some sort of pun that connects the two parts. As a really stupid example: “It’s freezing out here,” Tom said coldly.)

Anyway, one day I decided to write a whole story in Tom Swifties. I posted the following on GEnie on May 11, 1992. Thanks to one of my fellow punsters who kept an archive of the Punnery, I recently got a copy, so this work of literary genius was not lost forever.

“CAPTAIN SWIFTY VENTURED”

“Commander Jones, the starship Punisher is returning to Stardock because of an emergency,” the ensign reported.

“Tell Captain Swifty we’re sorry, but all our ports are full right now,”
Commander Jones said, preoccupied.

“Yes, sir.  Captain Swifty, we are full.  You may not approach,” the ensign said haltingly.

“But our engine shields are failing and the temperature is increasing
steadily,” Captain Swifty said hotly.

“Are the cryogenic systems still working?” Commander Jones asked coolly.

“Negative,” Captain Swifty said knowingly.

“Then you have no choice but to abandon ship,” Commander Jones said, dejected.

“Number 1, I hope we can all squeeze into one lifeboat,” Captain Swifty said fitfully.

“That’s right!  The extra lifeboat was destroyed!” Number One said in despair.

“I can reconfigure the lifeboat to give us more room,” the engineer said
expansively.

“Make it so,” Captain Swifty said, knitting his brow.

“We haven’t time for that, Captain, because the ship is going to crashland on that planet,” Number One said condescendingly.

“Number One, try to keep us level as we land,” Captain Swifty said steadily.

“At this speed, the ship will be buried deep in the ground,” Number One said gravely.

“Prepare for sudden deceleration!” Captain Swifty said forcefully.

“Tell me when we’re down!” The engineer said, ducking.

“We made it!” Captain Swifty said creatively.

“The atmospheric friction must have reduced our velocity,” Number One said slowly.

“The impact collapsed the front of the ship,” the engineer said, crushed.

“And the gravity is only 5% of Earth’s,” Captain Swifty said lightly.

“I estimate it will take seven days for Spacefleet to find us and rescue us,” Number One said weakly.

“And the only food we have is one slice of ham, one slice of cheese, and one slice of bread,” Captain Swifty said, after a fruitless search.

“If only the news media would focus attention on our plight, we would be rescued sooner,” the engineer said, depressed.

“Drop your weapons,” an alien voice said disarmingly.

“And if we do not?” Captain Swifty said, fit to be tied.

“Then an electric bolt from my gun will give you a cardiac arrest,” the alien said with a hearty laugh.

“We have personal force fields,” Captain Swifty said defensively.

“If you do not surrender I will be forced to fire!” the alien said, inflamed.

“Do that and there’ll be nothing left of you but smelly smoke,” Captain Swifty said, incensed.

“Our races will do battle for centuries,” the alien warned.

“And you would lose in the end,” Captain Swifty said finally.

“Then maybe we should sign a peace pact,” the alien entreated.

“I’m sure that our ambassadors could work something out,” Captain Swifty said diplomatically.

“Can you help us repair our ship?” the engineer asked, transfixed.

“We can lend you another ship,” the alien said, relenting.

“That’s great!  Great!,” Number One said gratefully.

“Well, let’s get going again,” Captain Swifty said, relieved.

“Th-th-that’s all, folks,” Number One appended.


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