I spent a lot of my life completely and totally alone (whether or not there were actually people around me)... and being alone forced me to deal with and understand my feelings, thoughts, emotions, and the things that make me tick. There's something about feeling such incredible loneliness and pain... and then learning how to fight it, to cope, to move on with life, that has given me an incredible understanding of who I am and who I want to be. I still often have no idea what is going on inside my head, and I don't know what the Lord has in store for me in two months, let alone two or twenty years. But at least I have some inkling, and it helps me feel like I am at least going in the right direction.
Looking at other people, it's interesting to see how they become aware of their own needs and reliance on the Lord... how they come to value life and God and salvation. One gets cancer and faces chemotherapy. Another loses a child to sickness. Another faces financial ruin, or personal sickness, or massive stresses. In each case, they have choices. They can break under the strain, become bitter, and turn away from God... or turn to Him, find their inner strength, and become something better than they were.
I used to think I was an anomaly. I hadn't had any major trials like cancer or death or sickness. I had a pretty perfect life. And yet I had the ability to look inside myself and understand the power of the Atonement. Now I realize that even my ability to appreciate the gospel and its teachings came the normal way - burned into my soul through trials. It was this trial.
I know I will continue to face massive trials in life - things so big that they are literally and completely impossible to face on my own. Things so awful that just thinking about them summons utter hopelessness... But not if I have (and use) the ability to understand my feelings and my needs, and turn to the Lord for help. And I think that that skill is what keeps cancer patients alive, allows mourning parents to move on, and gives men and women like me the ability to live happy, fulfilled lives as members of the Church - no matter what happens to them. I look inside myself, honestly assess who I am, understand my weaknesses and my needs, and then turn to the Lord and follow His guidance. And as I follow Him, He teaches me more about who I am (and who I can become) than I could ever learn on my own.
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