Writing an (ostensibly) anonymous blog takes more thought and original effort than I had originally imagined. I can't quote myself if anyone else has heard the quote. My signature themes and ideas have to twist and reform themselves into new patterns And when I have an amazing spiritual experience, I have to decide whether to share it here, or with the rest of the world.

The duality has a couple motivations. The first is for the people in the rest of my life. My family, friends, and long-lost acquaintances have enough of their own problems without having to vicariously experience mine. Maybe that's selfish... and I should share my problems to help my loved ones understand the perspective I've gained. But while people who understand the gospel well might be able to understand that I (like the man who was born blind in the scriptures) hadn't sinned in the premortal life, but was born "that the glory of God might be made manifest," it took me years to realize that being attracted to guys wasn't a curse from God. I don't want to jeopardize their progression... and I don't think it's necessary right now.

The second motivation is completely about me. People think that I'm a knight in shining armor and I try to live up to that expectation. They want me to learn the quickest, run the fastest, and speak words that are consistently inspired. They want me to be proof that it's possible - possible to live an amazing life, receive blessings from the Lord, and be truly happy in a fallen world. In my mind, I think that I am proof of that. And I thrive on the attention, the love, and the support that they give with those expectations. So I let people believe that I'm perfect... then they expect it of me and I can count on them to help me make it happen.

Who knows. Someday everyone will know about every aspect of my life... whether in this life or the next, when all our actions will be shouted from the housetops, and the books will be opened and the deeds of men read aloud in the ears of all men. In the meantime, I'll be content with living in double. Not telling a half- or partial-truth, or living two half-lives that both lack meaning... but one complete life with two stories, in tandem, honest and upright in each. My writing style is probably unique enough that, if you really wanted to, you could find out a lot more about me. Or maybe I've told you. In some ways, I guess I already have.
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