From the funny pages of the Improvement Era of 1946 –
Proof of the Pudding
“Shall I ask the new cook for references?”
“We can’t eat references – get her to submit samples!”
Never Run Down
Judge: “How do you know that you weren’t breaking the speed limit? Your speedometer was stopped.”
Man: “I know, but my wife wasn’t.”
Description
“Don’t you think she sings heavenly?”
“I don’t know about that – but I know that it’s unearthly.”
Clock Watcher
“Jones, you’ve been with us two weeks now. Do you realize that in that short time you’ve been late five times?”
“No, sir, I didn’t know. You see, I’m not one of those fellows who’re always watching the clock.”
Long Lost Quiet
“Daughter has arranged a little piece for the piano.”
“That’s fine,” commented the father.”It’s about time that we had a little peace.”
Time Doesn’t Wait
“Did you fall down with your good pants on, Tommie?”
“Of course. There wasn’t time to take them off.”
No Interpreter Needed
“Here’s a book, lady, that will interpret all your dreams.”
“I’ll have you know that I do all my dreaming in English!”
Buttonholed
“What are you planning to do tonight, dear?”
“Nothing special. I’ll probably write a letter or two, listen to the radio, and so on.”
“Well, when you get to the so on, don’t forget my shirt button.”
Reason for Eviction
Junior was gazing at the new baby. “Did he come from heaven?”
“Yes, dear.”
“With all that noise he’s making, it’s no wonder they put him out.”
Elementary, My Dear
“You’ll have to put another stamp on this letter. It’s too heavy.”
“What? That will only make it that much heavier.”
Safety Precaution
“You mustn’t play with that hammer. You might hit your thumb.”
“No, I won’t. I’m letting Jimmy hold the nail for me!”
Knows the Book
“What excuse does he give for not working?”
“All of them.”
Odds Even It
“I see that a man who speaks seven languages has just married a woman who speaks three.”
“That seems to be about the right handicap.”
Ain’t It, Though
Life is an eternal struggle to keep one’s earning capacity up to one’s yearning capacity.
Silent Punishment
“Well,” said the peace-loving husband, “it takes two to make a quarrel, so I’ll shut up.”
“That’s just like a man,” whimpered the little woman. “You’ll just sit and think mean things!”
One Way Out
“I wish I could find a way to stop my wife from spending so much on gloves.”
“Try buying her expensive rings.”
Averages Are Relative
“Scientists claim that an average person speaks ten thousand words a day.”
“Yes, but remember, dear, you’re far above average.”
Open Secret
“Is it true that he has a secret sorrow?”
“My, yes! Hasn’t he told you about it yet?”
Adequate Preparation
“Have you anything put away for a rainy day?”
“Yes – an umbrella.”
Method
“Mrs. Brown certainly is a woman of rare foresight.”
“Really?”
“Yes, she makes her husband angry before sending him out to beat the rug.”
The Echo
“Do you really always have the last word in an argument with your wife?”
“Sure. I always say, “Yes, darling.’”
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