You’ll have to reach way back to The Waltons or wherever you learned about World War II rationing to understand some of the humor in the church magazines of 1944 —

The Joneses

“I wonder why we never manage to save anything.”

“It’s the neighbors, dear. They’re always doing something we can’t afford.”


An elderly gentleman, his grey beard flowing over his chin, appeared before a local draft board.

Elderly Gentleman: “I’d like to volunteer for the marines!”

Draft Board Chairman: “But you’re too old.”

Applicant: “If I pass the physical, will you let me in?”

Chairman (thinking this a good way to get rid of the applicant): “Yes.”

The old man passed the tests with flying colors. Whereupon the chairman asked: “And to what do you attribute your good health?”

Old Gentleman: “When my wife and I were married fifty years ago, we made an agreement that if ever there was a disagreement, I would leave the house until things cooled off.”

Chairman: “Yes …”

“Whiskers”: “So, I attribute my good health to the great out-door life.”


The top sergeant lined up the draftees. “Any of you boys know anything about shorthand?”

Seven eager volunteers, having expected worse jobs, eagerly put up their hands.

The T.S. grinned evilly, “O.K. Report to the cook. He’s shorthanded on dishwashers.”

High Hat

Mrs. Schmaltz: “Don’t you think my new hat is a perfect fit?”

Mr. Schmaltz: “Fit? It’s a convulsion!”


Tourist, in village store:

“Waddye got in the shape of automobile tires?”

Saleslady: “Funeral wreaths, life preservers, invalid cushions, and doughnuts.”


It happened during the rush for gasoline ration coupons, and the scene was an American high school. The white-haired teacher at the table looked up and grinned at the man standing before her, application in hand.

“Well,” she said, “after all these years, I’m finally able to give you an ‘A’.”


“Landlord,” exclaimed the tenant, “I wish you would speak to the people upstairs. This morning at three o’clock they were jumping up and down, and banging on the floor. I won’t stand for such disturbance!”

“How did you happen to be awake at that hour of the morning?” asked the landlord curiously.

“Oh,” replied the tenant carelessly, “I was practicing on my saxophone.”


Airman (after landing in tree): “I was trying to make a new record.”

Farmer: “You did. You are the first one to climb down from that tree before climbing up into it.”


Sunday School teacher: “You know, boys, you can see good in all things.”

Freddy: “You can’t see good in a fog, teacher.”


Boxer: “Win, lose, or draw, I get $5,000.”

Reporter: “I see – every clout has silver lining.”


When we used to hear “one and two and three and,” it meant that Junior was practicing his piano lesson. Now it means that Mother is trying to plan a meal under the point-ration system.


Maid: “I’m sorry, but she said to tell you that she is not home.”

Caller: “Oh, that’s all right; just tell her that I’m glad I didn’t come.”


The roof-spotter was excited. “There’s a bomb falling,” he telephoned down. “It’s coming so near I could catch it.”

A moment later there was a terrific explosion. His colleague below snapped one word into the telephone: “Butterfingers!”


A census enumerator approached a lounging dandy. He asked and learned the man’s name, age, place of residence; then inquired, “What’s your business?”

The answer came superciliously. “I own a hand laundry.”

“Where is it located?”

“Here she comes now!”


A lady checking over grocery bill found this item: “One tom cat, 15 cents.” Indignant, she called up her grocer and demanded an explanation.

“Oh, that’s all right, Mrs. Jones,” explained the grocer. “That’s an abbreviation for tomato catsup.”


A Pole named Poplovescovitch told a magistrate last week that he had come to England to make a name for himself. One way would be to change it to Jones.


Patient: “Doctor, what I need is something to pep me up – fill me full of fight. Will your prescription do that?”

Doctor: “No, but my bill will.”


Mister: “What do you think would go well with purple and green golf socks, dear?”

Missus: “Hip boots.”


Hobo: “Say, boss, could you spare a dollar and twenty cents for a hot dog?”

Citizen: “A dollar and twenty cents! Why, man, a hot dog’s only ten cents.”

Hobo: “I know, but I want to eat it in Yankee Stadium.”


“Why did she turn him down?”

“He’s a self-made man and she didn’t want to marry a hero-worshipper.”


“My daughter’s music lessons are a fortune to me.”

“How is that?”

“They enable me to buy the neighbors’ houses at half price.”


“Why do you always play the same piece?”

“It haunts me.”

“It should; you’ve murdered it often enough.”


“Whenever I sing I cry.”

“Why do you sing?”

“So I can cry.”

“Why do you cry?”

“Because I can’t sing.”


“Are you a college man?”

“Nope – a car ran over my hat.”


The sign in hotels – “Stop, have you left anything?” – should be changed to: “Stop, have you anything left?”


Cub: “I’ve got a perfect news story.”

Editor: “A man bite a dog?”

Cub: “No, a bull threw a politician.”

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