It’s a lazy holiday, so relax with the funny pages of The Improvement Era, 1950.
The absent-minded professor’s physician advised him to “look out for yourself.” so each day the professor went to the window at about four o’clock and looked out, because he usually came home about that time.
Definite
A young boy was asked by his neighbor whether he would like to go to the ball game. “go and ask your father, Bill,” said the neighbor. “Nope,” said Bill. “I’ll have to ask Mom. Dad says she wears the ‘can’ts’ in our family.”
A Difference
A man was once asked the difference between a mirror and a woman. “A woman speaks without reflecting, and a mirror reflects without speaking,” he replied.
A lady interrupted him by asking, “And does the gentleman know what the difference is between himself and the same mirror?”
He could not answer.
“Well, the mirror is ‘polished’ and the gentleman is not.”
All in a Day’s Work
Five-year-old William had been taught that Sunday is not a day for play. One Sunday morning his mother found him sailing his toy boat in the bathtub.
“William,” she said, “don’t you know it is wicked to sail boats on the Sabbath?”
“Don’t worry, mother,” he replied. “This isn’t a pleasure trip. This is a missionary boat going to Africa.”
Good Percentage
His health wasn’t any too good, so the Eastern city dweller went looking for a place to live in the Southwest. In one small town in Arizona, he approached an old-timer sitting on the steps of the general store.
“Say,” he asked, “what’s the death rate around here?”
“Same as it is back East, bub,” answered the old fellow, “one to a person.”
Dying the Part
Touring actor has played the part of Abraham Lincoln so many times that he has assumed the habits of the great president, even going so far as to adopt characteristic garb. Recently, dressed in the cape and tall hat of Lincoln’s day, he nodded gravely to another repertory actor. Waiting until the impersonator was out of earshot, the other murmured: “That fellow will never be satisfied until he is assassinated.”
Stay-at-Home
An Arkansas hillbilly built a house for his wife in which he fashioned windows but no doors.
“Where are the doors?” asked the bride.
He drew himself up to his full height and replied: “Doors? Are you going somewhere?”
Reciprocal
He was about nine and extremely fond of the neighbor’s dog, who returned the esteem. One evening the two were romping on the floor when the dog stood up, put its paws on the boy’s shoulders, and plastered him with wet affection. To the mother’s horror, the boy planted a kiss of his own right on the dog’s nose.
“Aw, what you worryin’ about?” he said when she remonstrated. “It won’t hurt him. I got over my cold a week ago.”
Point of View
An Easterner was being driven by a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of western Texas when a gaudy bird, new to him, scurried in front of them. The Easterner asked what it was.
“That is a bird of paradise,” said the rancher.
The stranger rode on in silence for a time, and then said: “Pretty long way from home, isn’t he?”
Agreeable
Employer: “But, I don’t need any help. I couldn’t find enough work to keep you busy.”
Young Applicant: “You’d be surprised how little it takes to keep me busy.”
—
A distinguished Bostonian, stopping off in Salt Lake City on his way to the Pacific Coast, made the acquaintance of a little Latter-day Saint girl.
“I’m from Boston,” he said to her. “I suppose you know where Boston is?”
“Oh, yes, I do,” answered the little girl eagerly. “Our Sunday School has a missionary there.”
—
A floorwalker, tired of his job, gave it up and joined the police force. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked being a policeman. “Well,” he replied, “the pay and the hours are good, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”
On the Job
An office manager was asking a girl applicant if she had any unusual talents. She said she had won several prizes in crossword-puzzle and slogan-writing contests.
“Sounds good,” the manager told her, “but we want somebody who will be smart during office hours.”
“Oh,” said the girl, “this was during office hours.”
Prepared
Small boy to father: “Here’s my report card. and say, Dad, here’s one of your old ones I found in the attic.”
—
A small boy asked his father how wars started.
“Well,” said his father, “suppose America quarreled with England and – ”
“But,” interrupted his mother, “America must never quarrel with England.”
“I know,” said the father, “but I am only taking a hypothetical instance.”
“You are misleading the child,” protested the mother.
“No, I am not,” shouted the father.
“Never mind, Dad,” put in the boy, “I think I know how wars start.”
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