First is the idea of a spirit. If you don’t believe we have one, then you may find all this amusing. That’s OK. My life experience has led me to believe otherwise. No, I can’t prove we have a spirit and I don’t think anybody can prove it to your satisfaction if you choose not to believe it.

I accept the idea that I have a spirit, or more correctly that I am an eternal spirit temporarily housed in a physical body. This belief is a part of my faith, a fundamental part of my religion. I am certain I am not alone in this belief. Millions, if not billions of people feel the same way.

The Spirit World

Second is the idea that spirits can hang around after death. Those who do believe we have a spirit may be inclined to think all spirits go somewhere else when they leave the body. To some, it’s either heaven or hell, to others it’s paradise or spirit prison. That’s just not always true. Again, I base that on some of my personal life experiences so far and those shared with me by others.

I happen to be one who believes that not all spirits go to a place of happiness or rest. Does that mean I believe in ghosts? No, I don’t believe the spirit can normally be seen with our physical eyes. But yes, I do believe there are spirits hanging around who were not happy to discover they continued to exist after death and are now missing, even craving pleasures of their mortal body.

In my faith we are taught and I believe the spirit world is right here on earth among us. Most Mormons believe that the spirits of the departed can and do look upon us from time to time. If this is true for our loved ones, then the same is true for those who may not have lived such a good life. Rapists, murderers, adulterers, child molesters, and just plain dirty, nasty people go somewhere and that somewhere is right here or wherever they liked to hang out when alive.

Addictions

Third is the idea that addictions can be caused by something other than standard explanations. Addictions to tobacco, alcohol, drugs, pornography, sex, gambling and even food have been extensively studied and explained as natural physical responses. Biology and brain chemistry play a large part in addiction but interestingly, so does genetic makeup and family history.

What if there is another explanation, one that has been around for thousands of years that could help us understand and overcome addictions? I’m sure you’ve heard it before. Most people have. It’s commonly dismissed as harmful in light of today’s scientific proof of how things work. We should rightly be concerned when someone attributes their addiction to any outside source.

When someone leaves this world with a habit or addiction to a physical pleasure, that addiction doesn’t just leave them. Addictions are more than physical. They are spiritual. Unless they have mastered them, a person who is now in the spirit world still craves the pleasures of the body. They continue to seek them out. I believe under certain, specific conditions, these disembodied spirits can temporarily co-habit or possess those who are still mortal but their bounds are limited.

Spirit Possession

OK, now I’ve gone all “spooky” on you. Talk about possession scares people. I understand that. It’s unfortunate that our perception of spirit possession is so skewed to the weird side of things. Movies like the Exorcist or The Shining have totally messed up our understanding of something that is referred to in the scriptures so matter-of-factly. I wrote an essay about this previously. The wide variety of comments on that essay demonstrates the interest people have in the subject.

In that essay I referred to a documented account of a conversation between a priesthood holder and an individual possessed of an evil spirit. I share that privately with those who request it. I’d like to take the dialog from that essay another step down the road of understanding. Throw out the false ideas of spirit possession from overly dramatic media characterizations. Instead, think about people you know who suffer from addictions. You may have some in your own family.

If you have studied the subject of addiction or talked with someone who suffers from addiction you know there are times they feel “out of control,” like they can do nothing other than the very course of action they are trying to resist. This is beyond a mere habit. I’m referring to a feeling that someone or something is taking over. Resistance makes it more noticeable. Unless you suffer from an unwanted addiction yourself, you may not be able to comprehend this feeling.

Shield of Protection

Let’s take the case of someone who drinks until they either pass out or blackout. We say they lose control of themselves. In the case of the blackout drunk, someone is obviously in charge of the body, even if the original owner is unable to remember it later. If you want to know more about what happens to drunks who pass out, read what George Ritchie had to say about it in his book “Return from Tomorrow.” I quote extensively from that book on one of my other blogs.

It is from Dr. Ritchie that I first learned about the shield of protection found in the human body. Some people call this our energy field. Western medicine has all but decimated any belief in the body’s energy fields. You’ll have to go to those who study or practice Eastern medicine to come to an understanding of how they work. I accept the reality of human energy fields as a part of my religion. No, it’s not taught in the LDS Church, but I accept truth from whatever source it comes.

The shield of protection can be weakened or breached when we participate in activities that are below our value standards. It can also be breached when we take offense at what someone has said or done. This shield of protection is composed of light, but a light purer than our eyes can comprehend. One of the objectives of this life is to gather light and to strengthen our shield. The weakening or loss of that shield of light can allow disembodied spirits to co-habit a mortal being.

Pornography Addiction

Now let’s consider another type of addiction. I’ve also written about this extensively before. To this day I still receive private email requests for help in response to my essay on “Healing from Pornography Addiction.” I didn’t spell it out clearly in that essay but I’m sure I have elsewhere on this blog. There is no difference between what George Ritchie saw happen to the drunks and what happens to individuals who participate in pornography and masturbation. It’s that simple.

When viewing pornography, the individual is allowing those disembodied spirits to use their body, even if just for a few moments, so they can vicariously experience sexual pleasure again. I know many of my readers will find this offensive, but I’ve had enough experience in dealing with men in church disciplinary councils who can attest to this fact. A practice the world teaches is natural and normal is in fact, a conduit for unclean spirits to experience the thrill of lust again.

Of course we believe in repentance or change, even after this life. An addicted spirit can resist the addiction, which is now spiritual, but will feel the torment and pull of that addiction even in the spirit. Brigham Young taught that it is a hundred times easier to change while we have our mortal body. That’s why it’s so important we make every effort to master ourselves while we are still alive. It is almost impossible to prove mastery over the flesh when you no longer have it.

Overcoming Addiction

The counsel I’m about to share is spiritual and not intended to replace competent medical advice. I’m addressing the spiritual side of addiction, which can be just as powerful as the physical. When we allow a disembodied spirit to use us for a moment, even if it is unintentional, there is something left behind that allows that spirit or another like it to get back in when they want to. Think of it as a chink in the armor, a crack in the light, a trigger or button to be pushed at will.

Now don’t go thinking after reading what I’ve written so far that you’re possessed. A certified stress management consultant can easily ascertain if an individual has any spirit attachments. It’s possible but not as common as some people think. Then of course, there are those who think all this is hogwash anyway, but as I said at the beginning of this essay, I’m not writing for them. I’m reaching out to those who want help overcoming addiction or want to help a loved one do so.

The secret to overcoming a spiritual addiction is very simple. In fact, it’s such a modest proposal that you may be disappointed to learn how unassuming it really is. Note I didn’t say it was easy, just simple. All you have to do is forgive. The trick of course is discovering exactly who and for what. Once the original event that caused the crack in the light is discovered, it can be repaired in just a few moments. The darkness left behind by the disembodied spirit can be eliminated.

Forgiveness is the Key

Remember, this is advice for healing the spiritual and emotional aspects of addiction. Those who suffer from addiction should also seek and receive help to overcome the physical aspects of that addiction, be it alcohol, drugs, tobacco or even food. There are even programs for helping those with sexual addictions, but none of them of which I’m aware address the spiritual aspect. I know of several individuals who are skilled in finding and eliminating hidden spiritual addictions.

Over the years, I have spent considerable time and effort to study and understand the process whereby hidden stress can be identified so it can be resolved. It is not an easy process to learn but it is so much more effective than years of therapy that may or may not work. It involves questioning the intelligence or the innate part of our subconscious that remembers everything. Those who have experienced this process will agree that it produces amazing results.

With just a few moments of questioning the subconscious and receiving measureable yes or no responses, a skilled practitioner of this technique can find the root cause of an addiction. It is almost always traced to an individual from earlier in the person’s life. In either a traumatic event or an offensive situation, something negative passed between these two individuals. The only way to heal the effect is to forgive the other individual involved and almost always oneself.

Summary

I could go on and on about this subject. The purpose of this essay is not to titillate you with stories or ideas about evil and unclean spirits. They are not important. Yes, they exist but we should be more concerned with our own battles to master the flesh, not their desire to co-habit ours for a moment. There is a difference between those who were cast out, never to be born, and those who experienced mortality and have refused to go to the light once their life was over.

The idea here is to come to an understanding that sometime in the past, a person who struggles with addiction today may have opened their shield of protection in a moment of weakness, stress, or trauma that allowed an unclean spirit to use them for a time or a season. When the individual regained control of themselves, the spirit departed but left behind some darkness that acts as a trigger or future entry point for that spirit and others to work on until they gain entry again.

Dismiss all this if you will, it matters not to me. You’re welcome to leave comments telling me how deluded and mistaken this is. That’s OK. I’ve heard it all before. I used to think the same way. But if this essay has helped somebody, anybody to find some hope that perhaps their own or a loved one’s “out of control” behavior can be explained, then I will have succeeded in my purpose. Shoot me a private message with your questions or comments. I’m happy to share more.

Three individuals who practice the discovery and elimination technique:

Dr. Brad May, Emotional Complex Clearing, Serenity Systems

Jan Graf, Graf Stress Management, St George, Utah

Russ Stewart, Stress Solutions, Grants Pass, Oregon

If you know of others or have been helped by this technique, please let me know.

(See more resources and links on our Pinterest board, Teaching Children about Sexuality and Pornography)

SecureMama recently did a booth at BYU Women’s Conference where she discussed a variety of ways we can be informed and help our children (and other children we care about) stay safe.

We should Care!

Online Rule of Agreement

Who is in the driver seat? User restrictions

Keep that baby gate up! Parental controls

Web filter – Keep the garbage out!

Does my computer have a cold? – Anti-Virus, Anti-spyware

Is your foundation Secure? – Operating System and Application Updates

iPhone iTouch Security for Teenagers

What are my kids talking about? – Cell phone Controls

Don’t talk to Strangers! – Safe Web Surfing

Where are my kids? – Social Networking

Keeping Kids Safe on YouTube

I’ve been thrilled to find some great resources for parents who are concerned about helping keep their kids safe online and with internet-enabled devices. Look for more posts this week on this topic.

(See more resources and links on our Pinterest board, Teaching Children about Sexuality and Pornography)

Today, we’re featuring Women for Decency, which has a lot of great resources on their website about how to keep children safe at home and at school. They also have community action ideas. Here are a few examples of their resources for helping keep children safe:

One-minute conversation starters

What to teach children (about pornography, how to share your values, etc.)

Having conversations with children about pornography, sex (and helping them separate the two!)

Family Media Guidelines

“It Only Takes a Minute” — simple things you can do to safeguard your home

Promoting decency and media literacy

Tips for dealing with cyberbullying

I’ve Got the Power – brochure for elementary-aged students (consider sharing this with your school officials for an official White Ribbon Against Pornography week, and use in your home as well)

Do you know of some good resources for promoting internet safety, talking to children about pornography and cyberbullying, etc.?

See the infographic below about How Pornography is Addictive from fightthenewdrug.org. See large image.

See yesterday’s article about the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program. Also see other articles about overcoming pornography addictions and resources in overcoming pornography.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has released an Addiction Recovery website at arp.lds.org.

• Help for individuals trying to overcome addictions with alcohol, drugs, pornography, sex, and other kinds of addictions
• Information for family, friends, and Church leaders on how to support loved ones
• Information about the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program
• Addiction Recovery meeting times and addresses
• Addiction Recovery Manual (free download as a PDF)

Subsequent releases of the website will include additional resources and powerful stories of healing and recovery.

Addictions are the source of so much pain for thousands of people. It is awesome to know that recovery is possible and that the other side of addiction is a beautiful place.

See other articles about overcoming pornography addictions and resources in overcoming pornography on LDS Media Talk.

Don’t forget the remaining events in the online Porn Harms Awareness Campaign.

Monday – April 23rd
Noon EST – Documentary Streaming: “Somebody’s Daughter: A Journey to Freedom from Pornography”
**Organized by Somebody’s Daughter

Tuesday – April 24th
7:00 PM EST – Live Online Discussion: “Recovering Teens Speak About Their Struggles with Porn Addiction”
**Organized by Voices for Virtue & Sons of Helaman

Thursday – April 26th
1:00 PM EST – Live Online Presentation with Porn Addiction Expert and Life-Coach Tony Lister: “Straight Talk: Porn’s Real Effect On Relationships and Attitudes Towards Women”
**Organized by Tony Lister and Morality In Media

Sunday – April 29th
10:00 PM EST – Documentary Streaming: “Somebody’s Daughter: A Journey to Freedom from Pornography”
**Organized by Somebody’s Daughter

Editor’s note: Although the primary purpose of Mormon Women: Who We Are is to help share information and resources that give insight into the life and beliefs of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I’ve also felt compelled to join numerous organizations and individuals in educating about pornography/sex addiction. We have several resources on our site (e.g., this post) for those personally affected by this struggle, especially for wives of addicts (but there are resources for those dealing with addiction as well). We also have an interest in helping educate parents and citizens everywhere about the harms of pornography and what we can do in our homes and communities to protect ourselves and our children and our schools and our cities from its effects.

We’re a couple of days behind the eight ball on sharing this information, but Porn Harms (Morality in Media) is running a two-week awareness campaign about the harms of pornography (read more at Porn Harms about pornography addiction, pornography and harm to children, pornography’s connection to sex trafficking, and pornography’s connection to violence to women), as well as about sex/pornography addiction recovery. Following is a list of all the events that Porn Harms have held and/or will hold. We encourage you to help spread the word. It’s a simple way to take a stand and help educate people on this topic.

Porn Harms Awareness Campaign: Is pornography harmful? Why? What can we do in our homes and communities to protect people, families, communities from pornography? What can I do if I’m already affected by pornography/sex addiction? What if a loved one is affected by pornography/sex addiction?

Sunday – April 15th
9:00 PM EST – Documentary Streaming: “Demand: A Comparative Examination of Sex Tourism and Trafficking in Jamaica, Japan, the Netherlands, and the United States”
**Organized by Shared Hope International

Monday – April 16th
1:00 PM EST – Online Presentation By Neurosurgeon and Author Dr. Donald Hilton: “What is the Brain Science Behind Pornography Addiction?”
** Organized by Arizona Family Council

Read materials from Donald Hilton here and here. You can also hear him talk about this topic on YouTube here and here. 

Tuesday – April 17th
10:30 AM EST – Online Roundtable Discussion With Experts: “Sexploited: 4 Ways Porn Damages Our Culture and 4 Necessary Steps to Bring About Change”
** Organized by Covenant Eyes

1:15 PM EST – Live Online Discussion with Former Congressman Ernest Istook:“Porn In Your Libraries and Schools: What Can Be Done?”
**Organized by Morality In Media on behalf of the Safe Schools, Safe Libraries Project

3:00 PM EST – Live Online Discussion with Addiction and Relationship Experts from POSARC: “How & Why Porn Use Hurts Partners In Such A Deeply Personal Way”
**Organized by Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center (POSARC)

Wednesday – April 18th
11:00 PM EST – Documentary Streaming: “Somebody’s Daughter: A Journey to Freedom from Pornography”
**Organized by Somebody’s Daughter

Thursday – April 19th
1:00 PM EST – Live Online Discussion with Former Porn Prosecutor: “Why prosecute pornography? What will it take?”
**Organized by Morality In Media, on behalf of the War on Illegal Pornography Coalition

10:30 PM EST – Web Conference Discussion with author Michael Cusick: “Real Men Don’t Buy Sex”
**Organized by Restoring the Soul & Somebody’s Daughter
Friday – April 20th

1:00 PM EST – Online Roundtable Discussion For Wives & Partners of Addicts:“Hope in Heartache: Christian Women Share Stories of Love Lost Due to Pornography”
**Organized by Covenant Eyes

2:00 PM EST – Live Online Discussion with Former Porn Performer Shelley Lubben: “Trafficking in the industry! What they don’t want you to know.”
**Organized by The Pink Cross Foundation

Saturday – April 21st
10:00 AM EST – - Documentary Streaming: “Demand: A Comparative Examination of Sex Tourism and Trafficking in Jamaica, Japan, the Netherlands, and the United States”
**Organized by Shared Hope International

1:00 PM EST – Live Online Discussion with Former Porn Performer and Husband: “Love After Porn: Pastor’s Son Rescues Porn Star”
**Organized by The Pink Cross Foundation

Sunday – April 22nd
10:00 AM EST – Online Presentation with Internet Safety Expert: “Creating a Healthy Digital Climate”
**Organized by iKeepSafe

Monday – April 23rd
Noon EST – Documentary Streaming: “Somebody’s Daughter: A Journey to Freedom from Pornography”
**Organized by Somebody’s Daughter

Tuesday – April 24th
7:00 PM EST – Live Online Discussion: “Recovering Teens Speak About Their Struggles with Porn Addiction”
**Organized by Voices for Virtue & Sons of Helaman

Thursday – April 26th
1:00 PM EST – Live Online Presentation with Porn Addiction Expert and Life-Coach Tony Lister: “Straight Talk: Porn’s Real Effect On Relationships and Attitudes Towards Women”
**Organized by Tony Lister and Morality In Media

Sunday – April 29th
10:00 PM EST – Documentary Streaming: “Somebody’s Daughter: A Journey to Freedom from Pornography”
**Organized by Somebody’s Daughter

Liza, a commenter at a recent post at Mormon Mommy Blogs (about pornography prevention for children — good article for parents to read), said this in response to Brannon Patrick’s article:

Yes, pornography is addictive. However, I would like to see some evidence or citation to back up the claim that it is “as addictive as methamphetamine”

Since I was worried my comment might be eaten by the spam filter because of its many links, and since I figured Mormon Women readers might also be wondering something similar (it’s a good question!), I wanted to post my response here. Thanks to a network of people who are on the forefront of fighting pornography and helping people find recovery from pornography addiction, I’ve become a lot more educated about how addiction works. One of the things that is recommended for parents is to become educated as part of preventative and protective strategies, so I hope some of this information might be helpful.

One of the things that is encouraging about the research and experience treating pornography addiction is that by understanding the nature of addiction, people can get the help they need. In addition to ecclesiastical support (for the spiritual/repentance side of the struggle), those with sexual addictions also need recovery support to facilitate healing of the brain. Healing is possible!

Following is the information I was going to leave in my comment:

There are a lot of articles that explore this further and that include multiple references you could look up. I like this simple summary that explains how addiction is a brain disease/disorder, whether the addiction is to substance or behaviors:

We have another powerful story to share from a woman who is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who has experienced the pain of having a husband with a sex/pornography addiction, and who has also experienced the hope and peace that comes from Christ’s healing power. Recovery is possible. There is hope!

If you were to ask me fifteen years ago how pornography would affect my life, I would have been puzzled and maybe wondered if you were a little bit crazy. As an active LDS woman with high standards in the media I viewed, pornography was the last thing I ever expected to have a serious impact on my life. I was completely unprepared for the collision with pornography that shattered my formerly sheltered existence. In fact, there were few things that would have a stronger impact on my life and family.

Have you ever found yourself thinking what this woman thought? “I couldn’t understand why any woman in her right mind would date–let alone marry–someone who used pornography.” She shares how she dealt with the news that her husband was one of those men who used pornography — and couldn’t stop. How his initial explanations of the problem were not complete. How he’d been struggling with this since his teenage years.

Read the impact that his pornography addiction had on her, and on him. If you are a woman going through this trial, you will likely relate to much of what she shares — the shock, the struggle, the questions for God, the confusion, the efforts to try to fix the problem, and then the realization that she couldn’t fix it. Read how she learned to trust the Spirit and get answers for her situation, and how she was able to find her own healing through a 12-step recovery program for loved ones of sex addicts (S-Anon). Read about the impact that process had on their marriage (some of the impacts might not be what you would expect). Read where they are now, and how her faith in God has helped her find healing, hope, peace, and recovery. Through this experience, she writes that

I developed a stronger relationship with God and learned to trust in God and depend on Him–not my husband, my therapist or even my church leaders. I became willing to do whatever God asked, no matter how difficult it seemed, even if it meant risking an outcome I didn’t want.

She notes that recovery is a lot of work, and requires a lot of support and help.

We have both made significant life changes to make room in our lives for recovery. These are long-term life changes, not just temporary fixes. There is no 6-week program or even 1-year program to recovery. Early recovery has been the equivalent, time-wise, of a part-time job….This may sound extreme to some–it did to me too. But I spent 10 years trying to find an easier, “less extreme” way to recovery without success. Nothing worked and we nearly lost our marriage and family.

She talks about the impact that pornography addiction has on spouses, and on how she’s learning to be patient with the process of recovery:

“Living with this addiction causes serious trauma in the spouse and it takes time to recover. Recovery is very similar to having a major surgery. I am one of those people who tries to bounce back and be back to normal within a few days, but it just doesn’t work that way. It takes time–a lot of time–and slowing down to let yourself heal. For me it took close work with a sponsor, regular S-Anon meetings, working the 12 steps, extensive specialized counseling and a lot of slowing down and allowing myself time to heal. This was a major reset of expectations for my perfectionist self.”

As the woman from last week’s post, this Mormon woman shares some of the other things she has learned from this process: Pornography use is a serious problem.

“For a long time I thought that the only reason this bothered me is because I am a prudish, sheltered Mormon girl. In my S-Anon meetings I have met people of all faiths and backgrounds who have been equally hurt by pornography…. Pornography use is harmful.”

Other insights include: The goal is true recovery, not just reduction in “acting out.” True recovery includes sobriety, honesty, humility, and willingness to seek help. She could learn to trust her instincts, draw boundaries, and recognize what recovery looks like in her husband and in herself.

And God will help along the way. Peace is possible, regardless of the outcomes.

The thing that I valued more than anything else was my marriage and family. It was very difficult to realize that no matter how hard I tried, I could not control whether my husband chose recovery or my marriage survived. What I can do is to seek God’s will for my life and do my best to do His will, one day at a time. Even now, I have no guarantees, but I trust that no matter what happens, God will take care of me.

Be sure to read the whole essay. We’ve only captured snippets here. Thanks to the people at Rowboat and Marbles for letting us know about this story.

- – - – -

You can also read other stories of hope, healing, and recovery.

If you are a wife facing this trial right now, and would like to connect with other women who are also walking this path, see this (unofficial) forum for LDS wives of men who struggle with sexual addiction or compulsive pornography use. 

10 Ways to Deal with Your Spouse’s Addiction

1. Acknowledge the problem.

You might think it will make you feel better if you just don’t think about it, pretend it’s not so serious, or if you wish you hadn’t married him. It won’t. For whatever reason, this is a trial you have to face. You can’t even begin to face your emotions until you acknowledge what’s going on.

Your husband has a serious problem, and it hurts. You don’t like it, but that’s the truth. His problem causes you pain. And because of his addiction, you’ve grieving. You fee like you’ve lost the man of your dreams, whether you knew about his addiction before you were married or not. You’re scared because you don’t know what it will mean for you and your family in the future. It’s okay to cry.

2. Get educated.

You need to understand pornography addiction. [Find a list of FAQs and answers to many commonly asked questions about pornography addiction.] You’re fighting against a fierce enemy, so arm yourself with knowledge. You can’t fight an enemy you don’t understand. But if you know what actually works, you won’t waste energy using ineffective techniques. Learn about how addiction changes the brain, how it starts [personal stories vary], the effect it has on families, how pervasive pornography and sex addiction are, and more. If you’re operating with some misunderstandings (and there are plenty of myths about pornography addiction), it won’t help. But if you understand what’s going on, your expectations will be more realistic. You can even educate others about the problem.

3. Encourage him to get help.

You and he cannot fight this one alone. Pornography is one of the most difficult addictions to overcome, and you wouldn’t expect a drug addict to get better by himself. Heavenly Father has put some smart people and some great resources on this planet, so take advantage. The bishop can help, but he’s not specifically trained in addiction recovery, so ask him to refer you to someone who is. If you need help to pay for treatment, don’t be afraid to ask.  [Editor's note: See footnotes for a list of possible recovery program  options, for both the one who is addicted and the loved one/spouse. A qualified sex addiction therapist is also often recommended by both addicts and spouses who have experienced recovery.]

Remember, though, that he has to do the recovery himself. In other words, you can’t make him go to a therapist. If he hasn’t admitted that he has a problem and that he needs help, he may need to hit some kind of crisis before he does. But if he gets to that point, his treatment will be that much more effective since he’s the one who sought it. And if he won’t go with you, you can always go by yourself. The tools you will receive will help you deal with his addiction and move forward. Your needs are important, too!

4. Stop blaming yourself.

Repeat after me: It is not my fault. Repeat. Now ten times. Repeat.

You cannot make it better by having sex more, being more patient, reading your scriptures more, losing ten pounds, being prettier, keeping the house cleaner, getting plastic surgery, or anything else. His addiction has nothing to do with you. For many men, his addiction began long before he even met you. He may not have learned healthy ways to deal with his emotions. It is not your fault. You cannot fix him.

For many, it takes a long time to separate their actions from their husbands’ actions. It’s scary to feel powerless, so sometimes we try to take control. “If I just was a better wife, he wouldn’t need to watch those movies.” We like to think we can do something to make it better. But the truth is, he’d still be addicted, even if you were a perfect wife. It may sound scary to admit you can’t change him, but it’s actually liberating. You can choose how you will react and to make decisions for your life. You don’t have to let his problem rule your life. That’s real power.

5. Stop treating his addiction like your problem.

This is closely related to #4. Of course, you are a nice wife, and you want to help him. You feel powerless and frustrated and angry. You want to change him.

You can’t.

He needs to take responsibility for his own addiction. You don’t have to monitor him, check his email, check his phone, or check his history. You don’t have to become an internet security policewoman. If he asks you to password-protect his computer, then great. He’s come up with a step that will help him on his own, so why not support him in that? But you are not his babysitter, so let go. He’s not a child. He’s got to stand accountable before God for his sins. You won’t.

6. Stop the secrecy and shame

Pornography goes through a cycle. People who study it call it the “shame cycle.” Addicts know what they’re doing is wrong. They feel ashamed of what they did. They think if they just repent hard enough, they won’t do it again, so they beat themselves up. All the scriptures and quotations they can find are evidence of how bad they are. But pretty soon, they’re feeling so rotten that they can’t stand themselves. They seek out a way to make themselves feel better, to numb the pain for a while. And what is that way? You guessed it. [Editor's note: Read this article about why addicts cannot stop using pornography and what true recovery can look like. Here's a short article exploring the question about why they can't stop.]

Another thing pornography addiction thrives on is secrecy. Most of the time, addicts act out alone. They view it in private, and they don’t tell anyone about it. This is related to their shame, of course, but it only feeds the addiction, because if no one knows, the addict isn’t accountable. They don’t have to answer to anyone, and they believe it when they tell themselves they’ll do better next time.

It doesn’t help the spouse, either, when we pretend these issues don’t exist or shame the addict for their problem. Pornography is a very common problem in the Church, but if we don’t talk about it with someone, when it happens we feel like we’re all alone. We don’t feel like we can confide in anyone, and we feel like we’re leading a double life when we’re not even the ones who are addicted. [If you are a spouse facing this problem and would like some women to talk with, see this forum. We also encourage you to seek a support group of some sort.]

7. Reach out to others.

This one’s closely related to #6, but it’s more for your well-being than his (and yes, your well-being matters just as much as his, if not more so. Don’t you have kids to raise, callings to fulfill, etc.?)

Talk to someone else. You could start by attending a group meeting. You could tell someone in your family, his family, or your visiting teachers. It doesn’t really matter who you tell. But find someone. Someone female would be best. If your confidante doesn’t deal with this, she’ll at least empathize as a woman, and if she does, she can tell you what’s helped her. It helps to know other people carry the same burden. It can affect anyone. And it also helps to meet people who have recovered. It’s possible!

8. Take care of yourself.

An addiction like this one can seem relentless. It isolates you, burdens you, and wears you down. For the sake of yourself and the people around you, you need to take care of yourself. You might not feel like it, but you need to do things for yourself. You need to take a break once in a while. Write down some things you like to do, and do them. It could be a hobby, or it could be something as simple as a bubble bath. You could get a babysitter and go somewhere. Get in touch with what makes you unique, apart from your burdens and apart from your family. Find some simple joy in your life.

9. Be patient with him. And yourself.

His recovery is going to take a long time, and you’re going to have to live with that. He can’t just stop, though it would be nice. It will probably take months or years until he’s “clean”, and even then, he will still have to fight temptation, though the fights get easier. It will most likely be a gradual process, where his slips become less and less frequent with time. It’s like a journey, and even when his slips hurt, if he’s improving overall, he’s moving forward. [Read this article about what recovery looks like.]

It will take time for you, too, so don’t beat yourself up if you’re still working on getting back to normal while he recovers. You won’t be able to forgive and trust right away, nor will you get over it quickly. You’re going to hurt for a while, but you can heal, too.

10. Find hope.

The scriptures alone won’t cure everything, but even so, there is still tremendous power and healing in the gospel. The Atonement isn’t just for your husband, after all. Find the solace and peace and answers you need however you can. You can’t fix anything alone, but if you find the courage to turn your husband and his addiction over to the Lord, He can work miracles in both your lives.

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Addiction Recovery Programs:

LDS Addiction Recovery Programs. http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6629-1-3414-1,00.html

They also have a self-help manual, A Guide To Addiction Recovery and Healing:http://www.providentliving.org/familyservices/AddicitonRecoveryManual_36764000.pdf

To find a support group near you check here: http://providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,4177-1,00.html

The LDS Church has a new recovery manual for spouses/parents/loved ones of addicts. Many of the LDS family support groups are using the draft of this manual (which we think is coming out soon) in their family support meetings. Email us for more information.

S-Anon Meetings. National 12 step program for spouses of sexual addicts and partners of sexual offenders, with a spiritual focus (principles are similar to the LDS addiction recovery program, both of which are based on the Alcoholics Anonymous program). Primarily married women in attendance. Companion program to SA. National: (615) 833-3152. – http://www.sanon.org/meetings.htm (There is also a new online S-Anon group that has formed. We have contact information for the facilitator of this group, but want to keep that person’s email address private. Email us for more information.)

Heart t’ Heart Meetings. An (unofficial) LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery Support Group. Online meetings. Meetings for both addicts and family members. –http://www.heart-t-heart.org/meetings.html

LifeStar Network: http://lifestarnetwork.org/for_the_spouse.html

COSA Meetings. National 12 step program for partners and significant others of sexual addicts and sexual offenders. Both men and women in attendance. Companion program to SAA. National: 612-537-6904. – http://www.cosa-recovery.org/face2face.html

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) Meetings. A national 12 step program for sexual addicts and sexual offenders. Mostly males in attendance. National: (615) 331-6230

Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA) Meetings.  A national 12 step program for sexual addicts and some sexual offenders. Scattered meetings have female attendance. National: (713) 869-4902. –http://www.cosa-recovery.org/face2face.html

Megan Hanks (daughter of Rhyll and Steven Croshaw) wrote a Relief Society lesson addressing the topic of pornography. As a child of a man with a pornography and sexual addiction, she saw first-hand the effects pornography can have on a family. She shares some notes from a Relief Society lesson she gave on the topic of pornography.

I have an awesome family. My parents were married and sealed in the temple. Both set of grandparents were also. I am one of 7 kids ranging in ages from 37 to 21. I have 2 sisters and 4 brothers. All brothers and 1 sister served missions. Five of us are married, sealed in the temple and there are 15 grandkids. Youngest 2 brothers [recently returned from their missions.] Pretty darn perfect. I love and adore my family.

I could stop there but that is not all that my family is, and this is the real stuff. Pornography and sexual addiction has been a part of my family since before my parents even met. My dad was first introduced to pornography when he was 6 years old. Fifteen years later, because of choices and circumstances, he brought into a marriage with my mom an addiction that was spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically crippling. That continued for 30 years. In those 30 years there were major and devastating lows that were painful and agonizing for my mom and us children. Satan has created this tool of sexual addiction to affect and harm as many souls as it can in it’s wake. The addiction was my dad’s. However the effects were agonizing for not only him but my mom and our family.

The effect on me as a child was significant. HOW DID I FEEL??? This was very hard as a child to not know why I didn’t have a relashonship with my dad.

NOW, as it stands today, for 6 ½ years my dad and my mom have worked tirelessly to find hope and recovery from this addiction. My dad has worked to “re-enlist” himself to the Lord’s army. He has become a valiant soldier who remembers his noble birthright and works one day at a time to earn it. My mom works by his side in her own recovery from the effects of his addiction in her life. She too works one day at a time to live as the Lord has asked her. To have faith and not fear. Know that if she “trusts in the Lord with all her heart and leans not unto her own understanding He will direct her path.” My own experience in this family has brought me to a place of determination and strength. To enlist families and individuals to the battle…..

WHAT ARE OUR TOOLS IN THIS BATTLE PARTICULARLY REGARDING PORNOGRAPHY AND SEXUAL ADDICTION?

NOW SISTERS, THIS IS HOW WE FIGHT THE BATTLE….

*the approach that we must take as women will be tailored to the role that we are in. I make an effort to acknowledge that the approach we take will be significantly different in each of these roles. [wife, mother, sister, grandmother, church member or leader] However, there are many basics that will be similar to each relationship and situation you are in. Make no mistake, I do not suggest by any means that this is a male focused addiction. [See stories of women who have dealt with this addiction.] Satan wants all of us. He will use whatever means possible to achieve this.

OUR TOOLS ARE;

FAITH, KNOWLEDGE, EDUCATION, ACTION

Read more of Megan’s thoughts about how wives, mothers, and women in general can be more educated and active in fighting pornography, more compassionate with loved ones who may be struggling with pornography addiction, and more prepared for when this problem might impact their lives personally as a wife, mother, or woman.

Megan also includes a list of helpful resources. (Many are also listed on this page.)

We’ll soon be sharing some resources for parents who are looking for insight and ideas about how to help arm children against the problem of pornography that is so prevalent in our society.

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-We’ve updated our personal stories index of wives (or former wives) of men who have struggled with pornography addiction. (There are also a few stories from men (and women!) who talk about overcoming their own addictions to pornography.) Throughout the stories, you can find common threads that give some insight about how addiction works, how spouses can respond in healthy and appropriate (and loving) ways and get inspiration from God about what to do. (Many marriages have survived, even thrived in the face of this challenge. You’ll see that some, after much pondering and prayer, felt that divorce was the right option.)

Find also expressions of faith about how the Atonement of Jesus Christ can help both those who struggle with addiction and their loved ones each find their own healing, recovery, and peace. Please note that this healing and hope is possible even when a loved one chooses not to do “recovery work.”

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We’ve also updated our resources list specifically created with wives in mind at “How can I deal with my husband’s pornography addiction?” We’ll continue to add to this resources list. Please be sure to take some time to research about how addiction works. Combating Pornography, SA Lifeline, Out in the Light, and BYU Women’s Services are some good places to find general information on the topic of pornography addiction.

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The resources list includes an updated list of online forums for women who are wondering how other women have walked the path of recovery when their spouses have pornography addictions. (Note: Forums are shared as a resource, but it is advised to also seek support in a 12-step support group and/or with help from a professional therapist.)

- Heart t’ Heart – doesn’t appear to have a lot of active discussion at the moment, but has public archives of past discussions. For an LDS audience.

- Sara, one of the contributors in our first series about pornography addiction, moderates an online support group for wives of men with pornography/sex addictions. She says it is a place where women can get support and can sort through the struggles and ask questions from other women who have walked this difficult path. You can find that private (non-denominational) support group here.

- Hope and Healing for LDS Wives -  new, unofficial, private forum space for women to connect with other wives walking the path of recovery. Includes a growing repository of links to general resources and info, FAQs with responses from women facing this trial, spiritual insights and principles, and places just for talking about the struggle. (Started as a way to help readers of this site connect with women who have shared their stories, but is designed to help any woman in need of such support.)

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If you have walked this path, what resources, information, and recovery options have helped you? 

Recovery from Pornography Addiction is Possible from SA Lifeline Foundation on Vimeo.

Editor’s note: We recently received a comment from a reader who said she’d only heard of one man ever finding recovery from pornography addiction. The sense I got was that she felt pretty hopeless in regard to pornography addiction recovery really being possible. But recovery [block]1[/block] possible, and more people are trying to share that reality. We received this submission about a new unofficial website for Mormon men with sex and porn addictions, called PASG Works! (PASG = Pornography Addiction Support Group program of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). Yes, recovery is possible! 

PASG Works! Pornography Addiction Recovery is Possible

Read success stories and inspirational messages about the 12 Steps submitted anonymously by LDS men who are finding lasting sobriety:www.pasgworks.com

You may have heard of PASG,  but most members of the Church are yet unaware of the fact that seminary buildings and church houses are often occupied in the evenings by addiction recovery group meetings. “LDS Family Services Pornography Addiction Support Groups” started popping up a few years ago and still seem to remain one of the best kept secrets in the church. Right under our noses, LDS men are finding real and lasting recovery from the worst spiritual plague of all time.

I am an LDS man and also a pornography addict. I grew up in the church, served a mission, held church callings and read my scriptures every day… but, I had a “little problem.” My story is similar to that of many other men in the church; what I thought was merely a bad habit turned into a full blown addiction soon after I returned home from my mission.

I was introduced to the PASG program from a friend of mine who approached me one day to apologize for certain things in his past. I noticed a real change in his eyes and his demeanor, and I wanted to know how it had happened. My friend  brought me to my first PASG meeting that evening and I started to feel hope for the first time in years.

PASG is not just a meeting to attend each week, it is a lifestyle change. I learned how to live the 12 Steps from a support person who I met in the program; as my ‘sponsor’ he coached me through a rigorous course of honesty that ultimately transformed into lasting sobriety; this program worked for me where hundreds of prior attempts had failed. As time passed,  I continued to hold onto the PASG Program as a drowning man would hold onto a life preserver. Now living in recovery, I still attend group meetings every week and contact my sponsor daily.

Three years later I am blessed to maintain sobriety one day at a time. The depression and anxiety that haunted me for the majority of my life has turned to happiness and peace. I have dedicated my life to bringing the message of recovery to fellow addicts, I want this valuable program to be a secret no more… because PASG Works!

To read more recovery stories like this one please visit www.pasgworks.com. ‘PASG Works’ is a reader-supplied blog where men who are finding success with PASG  post their stories and thoughts about the 12 Steps.

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Read more personal stories of addicts and their loved ones who have found healing and recovery from the effects of sex/pornography addictions. For  any wives who may have a husband who has an addiction, remember, you, too, will need to do your own recovery work. Read this submission from a woman (wife of an addict) who talks about the Addiction Recovery Program of the Church and how it helped her find peace and healing.

“Gently Up the Stream” – © 2003 by Linda J Curley Christensen
Used by permission of the artist. For reflections on this painting and addiction recovery, see this post.

~by Michelle

I admit it. As a website manager, I usually love looking at our site’s analytics. I’m always interested to see what kinds of questions people are asking about Mormon life and beliefs, and enjoy a glimpse into what LDS readers are looking for as well.

But I confess that when this site was launched four years ago, I wasn’t prepared for some of the questions we’d get on a regular basis. Some of them break my heart. For example, following is a sampling of some of the phrases that show up in our Mormon Women analytics:

“how to deal with spouse addiction”
“how to recover from having a husband addicted to porn”
“lds 12 step women support group”
“my husband’s porn addiction is killing my feelings”
“partners of sex addicts support groups”

As I noted in Monday’s post, Mormons are not immune from hard problems, and this is an example of that reality. But the blessing of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that, because of Jesus Christ, there is always hope!

If you are one of the women searching for support and information as you face the challenge of a spouse with a sex/pornography addiction, please, please know that your questions don’t go unnoticed. In fact, because of the consistency and frequency of such searches, I’ve spent a significant amount of time over the last year trying to find people who can address the topic of pornography addiction recovery, either from personal experience, or from a professional point of view. I’m regularly asking them to help respond to questions, emails, and comments from readers (for example, see the many comments on this post: How can I deal with my husband’s pornography addiction?).

And while we’ve tried to touch on this topic on our site, I keep feeling that more needs to be done.

Last night, I spent over an hour on the phone with Elisa, CEO of Mormon Mommy Blogs (MMB). She has also been planning to do more on her site for wives of sex and pornography addicts who are feeling alone, hopeless, unsure of what to do.

We decided that we wanted to work together to help spouses of porn addicts find support, information, hope, and healing. (We hope those who are dealing with addiction themselves will benefit from our efforts as well…and we know some of those people are women.)

On our sites, we will be sharing personal stories of women and men, spouses and addicts, who have walked the path of recovery. You’ll hear more about the truths and principles that have helped them find hope and healing through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. You’ll learn about the plethora of resources and information available to help those who are currently facing this challenge — and also to help parents, community leaders, and others who want to become more educated about pornography addiction and addiction recovery from a preventative point of view.

We hope that as more people are willing to share, talk about, and become educated about the hope of recovery from pornography and sex addiction, we’ll be able to build a community of Latter-day Saints and others with similar values who can wrap their arms around our brothers and sisters who are facing this challenge. We also hope that armed with information and increased faith, we can each be more proactive in our own spheres of influence to help thwart and prevent the devastating effects of the plague of pornography.

In a 2009 BYU Women’s Conference address (“Nourishing and Protecting the Family“), Sister Julie B. Beck, General President of the Relief Society, said the following:

We have a huge problem in our families with pornography and the influence that it is having in our families. The powerful feeling that has been coming over me is, “Sisters, fight—fight, sisters.”

Will you join us in the good fight?

• If you are struggling right now with this challenge, either as an addict or a spouse of an addict, we urge you to reach out for help and support. Talk to your bishop. Find a 12-step group (LDS Addiction Recovery (PASG) or Family Support groups, S-Anon, Al-Anon (principles are similar to S-Anon). Consider getting a therapist. Connect with others who have walked this path and who know what is needed for recovery. (If you don’t know anyone who has dealt with this, feel free to email me at mormonwomen(at)gmail(dot)com and I’ll forward your request on to women who have walked this path (or professionals who have helped others in your situation) who have offered to help.)
• If you have a personal story of recovery to share, please email Elisa at elisa(at)mormonmommyblogs(dot)com or email me at mormonwomen(at)gmail(dot)com. You can also submit stories directly via MMB here. (If you have your own blog, you can share in that way, too…just let us know where to find you.) As you write, please let our readers know what truths or principles have helped you face difficulties and hold onto hope through your journey of recovery.
• If you are an LDS therapist experienced in helping people (spouses or addicts) in the process of addiction recovery, a representative of a non-profit organization (or blog/website) that provides education and resources on the topics of pornography and sex addiction, or you have helpful information or ideas to share, please let us know.
• If you have access to social media, we invite you to help us help others by sharing information and requests for submissions via your blogs, Facebook accounts, Twitter, and other social media. Also, again, if you have a blog or website that addresses this topic, let us know so that we could consider it as a resource to share with others.

Of course, we’ll still be having our regular content on each of our sites, but we are excited to join together (and, we hope, join with others — with you!) to spread the message of hope to addicts and loved ones alike, and to build faith in the healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ…because we all need Him. We all need His help, and because of Him, we all can have hope, regardless of the trials we face.

As Elisa says on MMB: “Let’s populate the Internet with hope, people. Let’s use it for good.”