If I am someone’s visiting teacher, should I make goals for her church attendance, temple attendance, management of her household, parenting or personal health and fitness?

For a long time, my answer was “Yes.”  Now I’m seriously rethinking my stance.

In all venues of my life, I am immersed in human growth and development.   I’m an oldest child who received overt instruction by my parents to get my two younger siblings organized.  I kept on with that trajectory for decades.

Over the years, I have worked as a tutor, teacher, trainer, and a very directive parent.   One of my most consistent roles over my lifespan has been “ward member with a calling,” usually visiting teaching and also a classroom teacher.

Yes, I can be bossy.

For the majority of my adult life, I have been making goals for other people and moving them from one intellectual, emotional or spiritual space into another.

I can even talk in great length about these spaces for growth. “Zoped” is short-hand for “zone of proximal development.” (Thank you, Lev Vygotsky.)  I often insert myself into other people’s zopeds, whether or not I’m invited.  I have earned a lot of college credit, several paychecks, and a number of metaphorical gold stars on my forehead by operating this way.

Recently, I have decided to stop making goals for other people.   It just doesn’t work.  Thinking so is an illusion supported by my pride.

Even if I tell myself that I changed someone into a better writer, a better crucial thinker, a better literary critic, a better family member, or a better saint–it’s not true. They did the heavy lifting. I just happened to be nearby.

Change and growth happen within the complex interior of the mind, heart and soul.  You won’t find my fingerprints there–even if I arrogantly imagine that I had access to these very tender, private and complex dimensions.  (Alma 5:12-14.)

I’m adopting a new attitude and hopefully a new set of behaviors. I’m trying to work to support other people’s self-selected goals.  This requires more patience, compassionate listening, service and intuition than creating a “lesson plan” for personal growth and shoving people through it with sequenced assignments and frequent evaluation.

Most of the time, I am not privy to a person’s most salient goal, so I just have to generally offer support with praise, affection, and resources and hope that I’m easing a burden rather than adding to it. 

In April of 2014, my bishop issued me a new calling.  As he counseled with me, he offered this advice: “Karen, if you work with a sister in the ward and she does not change, don’t take it personally. Conversely, if you work with a sister in the ward and she does change, don’t take credit for it.”

I can witness that people change. Real growth happens through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, the power of the atonement, and the oversight of our Heavenly Father.

I might serve as a witness, a cheerleader, or a midwife to change, but I can’t take credit.   If I’m tempted to do so, then my own shortcomings become magnified 100 times, and I find myself writhing on the floor in painful self-awareness of my human frailty.

“Who am I to judge another /When I walk imperfectly?”  (Hymn #220)

Instead, I am trying to listen and support the goals people have for themselves.   In the past, I have taken this approach: “Oh, I’m going to visit this sister once a month and get her to attend the temple within a year. That would be a great goal for her!”  Now I try to listen to the goal she has set for herself.  My responsibility is to offer emotional support and practical resources for achieving her self-selected goal.

Even in my current calling, I try to set goals for changing my behavior and attitudes–not anyone else’s behavior or attitudes. The Serenity Prayer is a great guideline for the stance that I’m trying to adopt.

For example, I initially judged a new woman on our membership rolls for not attending church for several months after her name appeared.  “I have a goal to get her to attend.” (Oh, look at that word “get.” Satan’s plan much?) When I took the time to visit her and listen to her life story, I discovered that she had four family members die in rapid succession. Her major goal was to fight off overwhelming depression and hopelessness.

She generously let me into her home. I was the one who grew from being proximate to her. She was very kind to share with me the sacred space of her grieving heart.

How many times have I completely misread a sister’s real struggles because I made an ill-informed judgement?  I find that if I take the time to listen to the sisters at church, each woman is really doing the best she can with the resources that she has. She doesn’t need me to “get her organized” in a bossy, big sister manner. She needs my unconditional love, my support, my affection, and my service.

After decades of developing curriculum for other people, I realize that I am not the teacher. I can only testify to the power of the Teacher and stay out of the spiritual Zoped so that He can do that holy work.