I hurt.

I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe it's because in Grace we had our first major power struggle among group members, and interpersonal conflict rips me apart. Maybe it's because my little brother was part of it, and I'm trying to use Grace as an opportunity to bring us together, not one to pull us apart. Maybe it's because I made a girl cry again today because I'm not in love with her, or because my friendships ring hollow because at the end of the day I don't feel loved, whatever I tell myself. Maybe it's because even sharing that... talking about my feelings... in relationships just causes conflict and more pain. Maybe it's because I feel like I should be better. Maybe it's because I already feel like a failure in my new calling. Maybe it's because I want to run away and have it all stop, but it never will. Maybe it's because I look at the success I see professionally and in so many other areas of my life... and yet in the most important one to me, I feel broken.

Maybe that's it.

I'm sitting at my computer crying because I'm heartbroken. Heartbroken because I feel like I'm less than nothing. My conscience won't let me finish that thought because I know that I'm not nothing. I'm a son of God, and He loves me, and He will always love me, and everything will work out...

But I'm still crying. I still hurt.

I'm still crying.

And now I'm thinking that all of you are going to think I'm an emotional wreck. You probably are. I'm probably not thinking straight. I don't know.

I think I'm crying simply because I'm overwhelmed. Managing so many people's emotional stress and expectations, without knowing what they are, without having the cognitive processing ability to interpret social signals and cues... mixed with fear of the unknowns in relationships and the future... mixed with having to put my own hopes and dreams aside...

I have so many mixed feelings. So many feelings that are real, even though they contradict each other. The thought that I could use concepts learned in my negotiations class to understand people's needs in Grace and find a way to meet all of them. The desire to just run away and never have to worry about conflict with Grace, or anyone, again. Wanting to improve my relationships with others. Wanting again to run away and hide in a corner where I don't have to feel, and hurt, anymore. Grateful that my life has given me so many things to learn and come closer to Jesus. And wishing that somehow the hard part of the test would end for real. And then grateful again that it doesn't, and makes me humbler and brings me closer to a God that really understands me.

There aren't any big things that happened to make me cry. Just a few on top of each other. Too much conflict in a day, and my emotional stores drained and cracked, leaving me currently exhausted.

I'm so grateful that I work in the temple tomorrow morning. Even if I don't figure my life out, at least I'll have peace.

And I'm grateful that each night, even when the day has left me crying, frustrated, emotionally drained, and feeling pathetic... there's a God who understands me and loves me and is able to tell me that I still matter to Him. That He gets me. That He loves me and appreciates me and wants the same things that I want. And unlike love from anyone else, I can feel His love.

Today I'm grateful for a God who loves me. Who loves me enough to give me weakness, then let me experience hard things, cry, humble myself, and turn to Him. Who loves me enough to make my life sometimes miserable so that He can heal me and I can know His power. Who loves me enough to tell make storm clouds gather and inspire faith so that I believe His voice whispering "All is well."

Dear God, thank you for loving me. For creating a perfect life for me. For standing beside me and, when I begin to forget, giving me a chance to feel pain... and the healing power of your love... again.
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