Moments

by Guest (05/10/2011 04:00 am)

Today’s guest post comes from Cami Kesler. Cami is married to her college sweetheart and is the mother of three sweet girls and owner of a poodle named Nancy. She works part-time as a labor and delivery nurse and loves running, quilting, sporadic/intense reading, journaling, blogging, and eating chips and salsa morning, noon, or night. She’s an organizer and wannabe piano player and is trying to make every day better than the last.

I turned thirty last month. The weeks leading up to my “big day” seemed to be consumed with more and more moments. You know, “pre-thirty moments.” While women in their forties and fifties feel like turning thirty is no big deal, it felt like a big deal to me. This stage of my life at times seems so challenging and intricate. Every day I just feel like I am breaking down my every action, bit by bit. Am I doing enough? Am I putting my career too much on the back burner? Does my butt look big? How can I pay off my debts faster? I don’t know enough about the scriptures. Did what I just say come across as offensive? I haven’t spent enough time with my daughters today. Is the house seriously dirty, again? The list can go on and on and it usually does.

I think I really needed a MOMENT. A moment to feel free from all the worries of life, and by doing that, to really feel life. After living so many moments for my family, I wanted something that was purely for myself, something that I could savor without any responsibility to anyone else.

I hear so many women say, “I would never do anything risky now that I have kids,” or “You got a babysitter? I would never leave my kids with anyone–they need me.” It’s the same guilt I’ve felt as a working mother, as stay-at-home mothers have sometimes given me the “eye.” It’s the pressure I’ve felt at times to be a crafty mom, when really I’d much rather be at the park or on a hike with my kids. It’s those day-to-day moments as we navigate motherhood that sometimes have me wanting to pull my hair out and say “Am I doing anything right?”

While being a mother is my top priority, greatest joy, and a true blessing, I think I sometimes lose a part of me in it. The part that happily welcomes opportunities to learn, grow, remember, and celebrate moments in my life–even if it means leaving the house cluttered a little longer or involves the girls wanting to eat sticky watermelon after bath time. And, as I neared my thirtieth birthday, I wanted to feel rejuvenated, motivated, excited, and spirited, like that feeling you get after reading an entire book from cover to cover without an interruption, or when you enjoy a nice, brisk six-mile run to clear your head. Those pre-thirty jitters had me doubting the joyfulness of mothering. I needed to take a moment to remember who I was, not who everyone else thinks I should be. I wanted a moment that would help me recapture some of that enthusiasm for life I was missing, and that would therefore make me a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better sister. A better person.

So I decided to go skydiving.

It’s funny how the propulsive force of the aircraft’s propeller quickly synced to the intense pounding in my chest as the door opened. The clear blue skies bedazzled my eyes and the crisp Hawaiian air hit my face, and I smiled from ear to ear. My lungs spilled out during that sixty-second freefall as every inch of my skin bounced up and down in wave-like formation. I was flying.

My adventure renewed me. As quickly as I can close my eyes and recall small details of my adventure, I can bring myself to cherish moments more readily as I continue to grow in my mothering. A moment to let my daughter Savannah skip practicing piano because the sun is shining and she really wants to play outside with her friends. A moment to hold onto a hug a little longer. A moment to forget about my schedule and drop dinner off to another mother down the street (even if it is just Costco pizza). A moment to turn off the TV, lie in bed with my husband and talk about each other’s day. A moment to express to a sister who is anxious to get pregnant, just what a wonderful mother she will be. Moments that, now that I’m embracing my thirties, help me believe in myself and my capabilities.

What are some things that push you beyond your comfortable limits in mothering? Do you ever feel pressure to be a certain type of mother? How do you cherish the day-to-day moments, when at times they seem mundane? Do you feel guilty when you do things “for yourself”? Tell me about your most recent “moment.”

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