It started four days ago, when life began to run me ragged and left me physically smashed. Then my mind began to go numb, and I found it hard to think or do anything at all... even to respond to emails asking for help. And then a hundred things all happened at once in life... each one battering at my already bruised self... and now I'm left feeling like my emotions and spirit and life itself have been drained from me. All the feelings are too familiar... and only partly influenced by the outside world and the usual topic here at (Gay) Mormon Guy. They're the precursors to depression.

I have a list of coping strategies I've developed over the years - things that I can do to try to offset it. Go play sports. Write. Pray. Find someone to talk to who I can lift. Find someone to talk to who I feel understands. Give service. But I really have no desire to do any of those things. I have no desire to do anything at all.

In my life though, habit and duty rank higher than desires... which means that I force myself to try even though my tears aren't dry. I find people that can temporarily distract me from my woes. I write and try to find meaning in the feelings that I face. And I kneel in prayer, asking God for understanding and for peace.

It's days like today when I wonder what else I'm supposed to learn from my trials. What messages God is trying to send me, what lessons He is so anxious that I understand. I know that some trials can go away through Christ once I've overcome them... but I wonder if I'll ever be able to learn the things I need to in this life... or if one of the lessons is enduring to the end - something I can only do as I strive to grow in the face of pain.

I'll be ok. God loves me. I'm doing my best and I am keeping His commandments. And with Him at my side, I'll come out on top, better understanding Him and others for my experiences here... whether in joy or sorrow, happiness or pain.
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