I’ve been hearing a lot of crap lately about the “uncoolness” of minivans. I put uncoolness in quotes because minivans are, in fact, the coolest cars around. Does the Ford Flex have a button that enables the back doors to slide open? I think not. Does the cute little Mini Cooper have the ability to haul several people plus a harp/sheet of plywood/booty from a massive Costco run? Um, no. A mini can’t even hold a toilet paper pack from Costco. Can you keep your toddler from slamming your SUV car door into the parked car next to yours? No? Well, I can. Because I have the Master of the Car Universe: the minivan.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if my minivan were a man I’d marry him in a heartbeat. He meets my every need and spoils me rotten. “Let me take care of the children”, he coos to me with his flip down DVD screen and video game plug ins. “Let me carry those golf clubs, double stroller and five suitcases,” he offers as we pack the family up for a trip across the country. “No, no, I wouldn’t want you to hurt your back,” he says as he considerately sits closely to the ground so I can place the baby carrier into the back seat. Even the tiniest toddler can clamber in without any help from a running board. “Allow me to hold your drink in one of my twelve cupholders,” he offers. “And feel free to put your purse in my giant Lazy Susan under the floor.” See what I mean? How could I not love him?
And yet people still fight the minivan. A good friend of mine is about to have her third child but her husband doesn’t want to stoop to buying a minivan. Hey buddy, do really think that a car is the only thing separating you from complete coolness? I have news for you: that polo shirt and dorky tennis shoes already killed all the coolness you might have possessed.
Embrace it. Embrace who you are. I am a mother. I am not a vapid, self-absorbed 21-year-old (yay!). Let me pause for a moment to remember the disaster I was when I was a hot young thing. I was not cool back then, but I’m pretty awesome now. If you really are cool, I mean C-O-O-L, you will transcend your vehicle. You have my word.
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