Today’s guest post comes courtesy of Laura Day Lewis. Raised in the land Bountiful, Utah she now resides on the Lewis “Farm” outside of Boston, MA. She is wife to one, and called “Mom” by 3 boys, 1 girl, and a dog. As the best hair stylist around, a visit to her chair is filled with highlights of laughter
My heart broke the day my 7th grader came home from school upset because a kid was teasing him. I was able to hug him and sympathize as he begged, “CAN WE PLEASE MOVE?!”
I broke the news to him that moving to a different state wouldn’t solve his problems. Regardless of where you live or how old you are, there will always be people you don’t see eye to eye with. There will be unkind words spoken, some intentional, some not. With that being said, regardless of where I live or how old I am, I face it constantly. It’s up to ME to decide how I will handle each situation.
My personal therapist, aka my Dad, often told me, “No one can MAKE YOU FEEL anything!”
Meaning, if someone “makes” you mad, YOU are making the choice to be mad.
If someone “makes” you feel inadequate, YOU are allowing it.
Or if someone “makes” you feel dumb, YOU doubt yourself.
Hearing this through out my growing up years, I have tried to be responsible for my attitude–to ”OWN” my feelings. I really do believe Eleanor Roosevelt spoke the truth when she said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Just as my son thought moving would solve his problems, I once thought age would solve things. When I was young, I was under the false impression that all adults were kind/considerate and never had hurt feelings. I was certain that survival of middle school and high school meant I’d live happily every after. I realize now, unkind words or actions sadly don’t end at graduation. So owning my feelings and choosing no offense, has become a life long lesson. A life long challenge!
When I heard this quote from David A. Bednar, I couldn’t help but remember the lesson my dad tried to teach me. He emphasized that we have a choice when it comes to being offended. He said it is ultimately impossible for another person to offend us.
“Certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”
It’s so easy to harbor hurt feelings and build resentment. Then the instinctive reaction is to project those hurt feelings on another person, because misery loves company. Using them as a learning experience, well that’s a lot harder.
I believe the actions of others can invite feelings of hurt / sadness / or happiness. The thing I have full control over is letting those feelings in and how I handle them. In all practicality though, it’s so much easier said than done, something my 7th grader was realizing.
How do you deal with your own hurt feelings? How have you overcome being hurt or offended? How do we help our children learn ownership over their own emotions in a blame culture?
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